Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Mailbag Part II
By SG2.0
Sorry 'bout the hold-up since Mailbag Part I. My original goal was to produce as much material on this site as Simmons typically does, all while working a 9 to 5 job. Unfortunately, somedays I'm about as motivated as Vin Baker on Day 3 at the Betty Ford Clinic.
Nonetheless, onto the mail!
Q: Given the deplorable state of the Celtics … who do you think Wyc and Danny will send to Secaucus to bring home the number one pick? Would you consider going to represent the Celtics in your “ripping-at-the-seams” shirt? What other lucky charms would you bring? How do you see this whole lottery situation playing out… I see the Celtics finally getting the number one pick and then neither Oden nor Durant comes out.
- Mike from Medford, MA
SG2.0: I'll go down the list. I think the C's should send either M.L. Carr (in a reverse psychology sort of way) or legendary 1980s Celtic trainer Ray Melchiore. Who else, other than the corpse of Red Auerbach himself, could reincarnate the magic of the Celtic dynasty?
It's got to be Melchiore, who would regulary give Kevin McHale and Greg Kite full-body rub-downs. I think it's safe to say he's paid the price and if you've seen the classic 1987 season in review tape, you fully know the power and sheer awkwardness of Melchiore.
The following is a transcript of a brilliant exchange between Melchiore and Danny Ainge in the C's trainer's room.
Melchiore: Danny likes it when I wear cowboy boots and a stand-up collar (awkward and frightened laugh).
Ainge (while eating an apple): See Ray here, he dresses like a cowboy, a preppie and a motor cycle rider (while awkwardly touching Melchiore's shoulder), so ... I'm not really sure what he is!
Camera zooms in on a frightened Melchiore, who just realizes Danny Ainge made fun of him on a tape that will be seen by roughly 81 people on the planet earth. He's shattered.
Melchiore: Um (awkward laugh followed by sigh). I enjoy it. Whatever it is.
ANNNNNND Scene.
Oh. As for the rest of your question. Some lucky charms could be a pair of freshly worn panties from the Red Head from Needham, a Walter McCarty CD, Jo Jo White's daughter, a line from the coat pocket of Len Bias, a Slim-Fast nutrition bar from the coat pocket of Larry Legend, bone chips from Kevin McHale's foot and/or knee and finally, a jock worn by "Jungle" Jim Luscotoff.
With all that said, I honestly see no scenario in which the Celtics get the No. 1 pick. I'm obviously being very pessimistic because I don't want to get my hopes up (which I have been known to do time and time again with this franchise).
Add in the fact that David Stern hates the Celtics (not giving financial relief to them when Reggie Lewis died etc.) and that Paul Pierce will probably play the rest of this season, there is little to no shot.
To add to my depression, I will now go watch my "Best of Ellen Kleghorn" DVD.
Q: As an avid WWE fan, how does it feel to live in a world where John Cena holds not one, but two belts?
- Vince in Stamford, CT
SG2.0: I would truly like to know how I would feel about Cena if he didn't grow up down the street from me. And this is not the reason you would think either.
I think I actually HATE Cena more because he's from my neck of the woods. That and because his brother once wrote me a $150 ticket for no apparent reason.
Small town politics I tell ya.
Q: Don't you think that your website is off to a bad start considering that you promised more material than the standard 2 article week by Simmons? You are currently averaging only 1.5 articles per week...
- Bill from Los Angeles, CA
SG2.0: Again, I have a 9 to 5 job unlike my nemisis from up North. Between making trading cards that feature NHL rookies and attempting to drop the 15 pounds that I put on while I was an actual sports writer, I tend to run out of time.
On a side note, someday I will devote an entire article devoted to fat sports writers and how it is literally impossible not to gain an ungodly amount of weight while employed by a newspaper.
When you sign on to become a member of the "print media," they may as well give you a 15 pound bag of pure cholesterol and get it over with.
Q: Break down the epic “Barkley vs. Bavetta” match-up for us… do you think that John Ameachi was turned on by the post-race kiss?
- Ernie from Atlanta
SG2.0: My thoughts on Barkley are well documented due to my awkward exchange with him one fateful morning in Phoenix, Arizona (I'll post the article from my old webite when I become 2.3% computer literate).
In summation, he's one of my favorite athletes of all-time and the main member of my favorite non-Celtics team of all-time (ladies and gentlemen the 1993 Phoenix Suns!).
So as one would expect, I was absolutely ecstatic when I first heard of Barkley v. Bavetta I. I think aside from the obvious humor of both participants falling down, the post-game, lip on lip kiss and Barkley's classic remark about the charity earnings worth only one hand of blackjack was whenever Bavetta would speak.
For years he was labeled "Nick Bavetta" for his many questionable calls that favored the Knicks and come-to-find out, he has a New York accent that would make Woody Allen green with envy!
This guy is one step away from co-hosting "Coffee Talk with Linda Richman."
"Hello welcome to Coffee Talk, I'm your host Dick Bavetta. On today's episode we'll discuss coffee, daughta's, dogs, Barbara and John Starks. Ya know, no big whoop.
Oh, nothing to talk about? Here I'll even give you a topic: Chuck Person was neither a woodchuck nor a person, discuss."
Q: What are your thoughts on Tom Brady's baby mama coming out with this information now? I smell a jealousy birth.
- Baxter from Milwaukee
SG2.0: Only a woman could tarnish Tom Terrific. It's such a shame because I'm sure for the first time in his life, Brady has no idea what to do.
The other day for him was like his typical autumn afternoons in Miami ... only 95.6 percent worse.
I mean in my humble opinion, Brady pulled off the ultimate "trade up" in the history of man. Not that Bridget Moynahan looks like Sandra Bernhardt or anything, but Gisele Bundchen! Come on!!!
We're not talking the same ****in' league, we're not even talkin' the same ****in' sport!
I'm sure Moynahan realized she looked like yesterday's news and, in turn, forgot to wash down those last few birth control pills.
In truth I'm not even that mad though. Next season if Brady needs any revenge pointers when he takes on Manning and the Colts, he can just ask his ex-girlfriend.
She has raised the bar to ungodly heights in the "revenge" category.
Q: What's with all the outrage with Brittany Spears shaving her head? Five years ago a guy like me couldn't even dream of gettin' with her. Now it seems like a lay-up even Charles Smith could hit. In fact, I think she might be even better looking now than she was two or three weeks ago. She reminds me of a cute Muppet. HOT with a capital HOT!
- Petey from Manchester, Conn.
SG2.0: Yup, these were his readers.
E-Mail all your Mailbag questions to: SportsGuy2.0@hotmail.com
By SG2.0
Sorry 'bout the hold-up since Mailbag Part I. My original goal was to produce as much material on this site as Simmons typically does, all while working a 9 to 5 job. Unfortunately, somedays I'm about as motivated as Vin Baker on Day 3 at the Betty Ford Clinic.
Nonetheless, onto the mail!
Q: Given the deplorable state of the Celtics … who do you think Wyc and Danny will send to Secaucus to bring home the number one pick? Would you consider going to represent the Celtics in your “ripping-at-the-seams” shirt? What other lucky charms would you bring? How do you see this whole lottery situation playing out… I see the Celtics finally getting the number one pick and then neither Oden nor Durant comes out.
- Mike from Medford, MA
SG2.0: I'll go down the list. I think the C's should send either M.L. Carr (in a reverse psychology sort of way) or legendary 1980s Celtic trainer Ray Melchiore. Who else, other than the corpse of Red Auerbach himself, could reincarnate the magic of the Celtic dynasty?
It's got to be Melchiore, who would regulary give Kevin McHale and Greg Kite full-body rub-downs. I think it's safe to say he's paid the price and if you've seen the classic 1987 season in review tape, you fully know the power and sheer awkwardness of Melchiore.
The following is a transcript of a brilliant exchange between Melchiore and Danny Ainge in the C's trainer's room.
Melchiore: Danny likes it when I wear cowboy boots and a stand-up collar (awkward and frightened laugh).
Ainge (while eating an apple): See Ray here, he dresses like a cowboy, a preppie and a motor cycle rider (while awkwardly touching Melchiore's shoulder), so ... I'm not really sure what he is!
Camera zooms in on a frightened Melchiore, who just realizes Danny Ainge made fun of him on a tape that will be seen by roughly 81 people on the planet earth. He's shattered.
Melchiore: Um (awkward laugh followed by sigh). I enjoy it. Whatever it is.
ANNNNNND Scene.
Oh. As for the rest of your question. Some lucky charms could be a pair of freshly worn panties from the Red Head from Needham, a Walter McCarty CD, Jo Jo White's daughter, a line from the coat pocket of Len Bias, a Slim-Fast nutrition bar from the coat pocket of Larry Legend, bone chips from Kevin McHale's foot and/or knee and finally, a jock worn by "Jungle" Jim Luscotoff.
With all that said, I honestly see no scenario in which the Celtics get the No. 1 pick. I'm obviously being very pessimistic because I don't want to get my hopes up (which I have been known to do time and time again with this franchise).
Add in the fact that David Stern hates the Celtics (not giving financial relief to them when Reggie Lewis died etc.) and that Paul Pierce will probably play the rest of this season, there is little to no shot.
To add to my depression, I will now go watch my "Best of Ellen Kleghorn" DVD.
Q: As an avid WWE fan, how does it feel to live in a world where John Cena holds not one, but two belts?
- Vince in Stamford, CT
SG2.0: I would truly like to know how I would feel about Cena if he didn't grow up down the street from me. And this is not the reason you would think either.
I think I actually HATE Cena more because he's from my neck of the woods. That and because his brother once wrote me a $150 ticket for no apparent reason.
Small town politics I tell ya.
Q: Don't you think that your website is off to a bad start considering that you promised more material than the standard 2 article week by Simmons? You are currently averaging only 1.5 articles per week...
- Bill from Los Angeles, CA
SG2.0: Again, I have a 9 to 5 job unlike my nemisis from up North. Between making trading cards that feature NHL rookies and attempting to drop the 15 pounds that I put on while I was an actual sports writer, I tend to run out of time.
On a side note, someday I will devote an entire article devoted to fat sports writers and how it is literally impossible not to gain an ungodly amount of weight while employed by a newspaper.
When you sign on to become a member of the "print media," they may as well give you a 15 pound bag of pure cholesterol and get it over with.
Q: Break down the epic “Barkley vs. Bavetta” match-up for us… do you think that John Ameachi was turned on by the post-race kiss?
- Ernie from Atlanta
SG2.0: My thoughts on Barkley are well documented due to my awkward exchange with him one fateful morning in Phoenix, Arizona (I'll post the article from my old webite when I become 2.3% computer literate).
In summation, he's one of my favorite athletes of all-time and the main member of my favorite non-Celtics team of all-time (ladies and gentlemen the 1993 Phoenix Suns!).
So as one would expect, I was absolutely ecstatic when I first heard of Barkley v. Bavetta I. I think aside from the obvious humor of both participants falling down, the post-game, lip on lip kiss and Barkley's classic remark about the charity earnings worth only one hand of blackjack was whenever Bavetta would speak.
For years he was labeled "Nick Bavetta" for his many questionable calls that favored the Knicks and come-to-find out, he has a New York accent that would make Woody Allen green with envy!
This guy is one step away from co-hosting "Coffee Talk with Linda Richman."
"Hello welcome to Coffee Talk, I'm your host Dick Bavetta. On today's episode we'll discuss coffee, daughta's, dogs, Barbara and John Starks. Ya know, no big whoop.
Oh, nothing to talk about? Here I'll even give you a topic: Chuck Person was neither a woodchuck nor a person, discuss."
Q: What are your thoughts on Tom Brady's baby mama coming out with this information now? I smell a jealousy birth.
- Baxter from Milwaukee
SG2.0: Only a woman could tarnish Tom Terrific. It's such a shame because I'm sure for the first time in his life, Brady has no idea what to do.
The other day for him was like his typical autumn afternoons in Miami ... only 95.6 percent worse.
I mean in my humble opinion, Brady pulled off the ultimate "trade up" in the history of man. Not that Bridget Moynahan looks like Sandra Bernhardt or anything, but Gisele Bundchen! Come on!!!
We're not talking the same ****in' league, we're not even talkin' the same ****in' sport!
I'm sure Moynahan realized she looked like yesterday's news and, in turn, forgot to wash down those last few birth control pills.
In truth I'm not even that mad though. Next season if Brady needs any revenge pointers when he takes on Manning and the Colts, he can just ask his ex-girlfriend.
She has raised the bar to ungodly heights in the "revenge" category.
Q: What's with all the outrage with Brittany Spears shaving her head? Five years ago a guy like me couldn't even dream of gettin' with her. Now it seems like a lay-up even Charles Smith could hit. In fact, I think she might be even better looking now than she was two or three weeks ago. She reminds me of a cute Muppet. HOT with a capital HOT!
- Petey from Manchester, Conn.
SG2.0: Yup, these were his readers.
E-Mail all your Mailbag questions to: SportsGuy2.0@hotmail.com
Labels: Sports Guy Mailbag
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Mailbag 2.0
By SG2.0
Welcome to the first edition of Mailbag 2.0, where we constantly 'gotta have more Mailbag, babe.' And at the end of this temultuous process, y'all will be wearing gold plated diapers, filled to the brim with diarea of the mind.
Come to find out, we've already received thousands of E-Mail's for the Mailbag, even though until today, we didn't even have an E-Mail address for this site ... go figure!
Onto the Bag:
Q: In the remote, and I mean remote, chance that this site ever got big, don't you think Simmons would sue you? I mean this is a blatant rip-off isn't it?
- Dan from Queens
SG2.0: It depends what you mean by rip-off. Did the D-Cup rip off the C-cup? Did Hulk Hogan rip off "Superstar" Billy Graham? Did Allan Ray rip off Stuart Scott in last year's Big East tournament when his eye fell out of its socket? Did John Amaechi rip off Eric Montross?
The answers are no, no, no and no. They just did things bigger, better, wierder and a tad bit gayer ... In turn, that's what I hope to accomplish with this site.
Q: Do you find Simmons' recent rants about college basketball both unentertaining and uninformative?
- Scott T. from Philly
SG2.0: Yes and most definitely yes. As fine a writer as Simmons is, he is the last person I want giving me insight into the world of college basketball. I mean this is a guy that has frequently admitted over the years that he watches one to two minutes a year of the college game because he feels it's an inferior product.
Now we're supposed to think he's the Beano Cook of basketball? I'll pass.
As a side note, are Beano Cook references becoming obscure? I was always of the opinion that they'd be timeless.
Q: Hey douche, ya think John Ameachi will be in Vegas this weekend for the NBA All-Star festivities?
- Sammy from Yonkers
SG2.0: Without a doubt. In fact, I think he's scheduled to be Tim Hardaway's partner in the NBA alumni two-ball competition.
Q: Anna Nicole. Hot or not?
- Mitch from Oceanside, CA
SG2.0: Well considering she was the subject of my first ever encounter with porn, there is a safety deposit box of her in my spank bank.
Part II of the Mailbag will be coming soon. E-Mail your own Mailbag questions at: SportsGuy2.0@hotmail.com
By SG2.0
Welcome to the first edition of Mailbag 2.0, where we constantly 'gotta have more Mailbag, babe.' And at the end of this temultuous process, y'all will be wearing gold plated diapers, filled to the brim with diarea of the mind.
Come to find out, we've already received thousands of E-Mail's for the Mailbag, even though until today, we didn't even have an E-Mail address for this site ... go figure!
Onto the Bag:
Q: In the remote, and I mean remote, chance that this site ever got big, don't you think Simmons would sue you? I mean this is a blatant rip-off isn't it?
- Dan from Queens
SG2.0: It depends what you mean by rip-off. Did the D-Cup rip off the C-cup? Did Hulk Hogan rip off "Superstar" Billy Graham? Did Allan Ray rip off Stuart Scott in last year's Big East tournament when his eye fell out of its socket? Did John Amaechi rip off Eric Montross?
The answers are no, no, no and no. They just did things bigger, better, wierder and a tad bit gayer ... In turn, that's what I hope to accomplish with this site.
Q: Do you find Simmons' recent rants about college basketball both unentertaining and uninformative?
- Scott T. from Philly
SG2.0: Yes and most definitely yes. As fine a writer as Simmons is, he is the last person I want giving me insight into the world of college basketball. I mean this is a guy that has frequently admitted over the years that he watches one to two minutes a year of the college game because he feels it's an inferior product.
Now we're supposed to think he's the Beano Cook of basketball? I'll pass.
As a side note, are Beano Cook references becoming obscure? I was always of the opinion that they'd be timeless.
Q: Hey douche, ya think John Ameachi will be in Vegas this weekend for the NBA All-Star festivities?
- Sammy from Yonkers
SG2.0: Without a doubt. In fact, I think he's scheduled to be Tim Hardaway's partner in the NBA alumni two-ball competition.
Q: Anna Nicole. Hot or not?
- Mitch from Oceanside, CA
SG2.0: Well considering she was the subject of my first ever encounter with porn, there is a safety deposit box of her in my spank bank.
Part II of the Mailbag will be coming soon. E-Mail your own Mailbag questions at: SportsGuy2.0@hotmail.com
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Why we're here
By SG2.0
Look, I've been a Simmons fan for years. We all have.
But in a small way, Simmons ruined the careers of all the guys, all the supposed "sports journalists" that came before him and after him.
While I was in college, writing what were supposed to be humorous articles in both the sports section of my student paper and on the pages of a now-defunct website, I was often accused of "just copying Simmons."
At the height of the Sports Guy's popularity (2002 is when I believe he and Page 2 peaked), readers and friends would often frown upon any type of "sports humor" that I would throw out, insisting that I was simply "attempting to be a Simmons clone."
I was certainly not the only one at that time that got that jab thrown their way, despite most of the material being both original and occasionally funny.
Now there is no doubt that Simmons was as unique as they come when he hopped on board with ESPN after creating a start-up blog (ahead of his time in that regard). But he certainly wasn't the first writer to use humor in his sports columns. He was just the best there was at the time ... and he still does provide a boatload of watered-down material.
Somewhere along the line, however, he inexplicably got credited with this new wave of sports journalism and anyone else who attempted to use humor in a sports column was simply writing a Simmons column with a different byline.
There are some people, like myself, that believe the majority of sports columns should always include some sort of lame attempt at humor. After all, sports is the toy department (thank you cliché dictionary).
I guess what I'm trying to get at is that there is plenty of room for more great Bathroom Reading Material (BRM) on the net. For me and millions of other office space types, our daily 1-2 shits (or in my case 10-12) are not complete without something to read while wasting an ungodly amount of time and effort (Push!...Push!).
Typically, Simmons fits the bill for this lame type of "literature." But I need more bang for my bomb. More drama for my dump.
I've tried to do this column thing before on the Internet, while blatantly trying to avoid "sounding like Simmons," even though, for better or worse, my writing style is much like his at times. Needless to say, my old column was about as entertaining as ESPN 2 on a Tuesday afternoon in February (enter "The Black Widow" shooting for the corner pocket).
So basically I've given up...and I'm not in the least bit ashamed to admit it.
I've given up trying to NOT be like Simmons.
I'm just trying to be an alternative. I'm trying to be a better version. I'm trying to be a version that has no qualms about bashing ESPN personalities and no qualms about writing more than two columns per week.
I'm trying to be the WCW to Bill Simmons' WWF ... but I think we all can see by the design of this site, that I'm currently knee deep in the WCW Robocop stage of my ascent ( i.e. YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhfAZ1VpkTE).
So if I truly am Eric Bischoff with a keyboard, bear with me. It may take days, months, years and possibly decades to topple the mighty Simmons.
But in the meantime, I hope this site provides you with a chronic diarrhea’s worth of BRM. 'Cause I think we all could use a little bit more.
By SG2.0
Look, I've been a Simmons fan for years. We all have.
But in a small way, Simmons ruined the careers of all the guys, all the supposed "sports journalists" that came before him and after him.
While I was in college, writing what were supposed to be humorous articles in both the sports section of my student paper and on the pages of a now-defunct website, I was often accused of "just copying Simmons."
At the height of the Sports Guy's popularity (2002 is when I believe he and Page 2 peaked), readers and friends would often frown upon any type of "sports humor" that I would throw out, insisting that I was simply "attempting to be a Simmons clone."
I was certainly not the only one at that time that got that jab thrown their way, despite most of the material being both original and occasionally funny.
Now there is no doubt that Simmons was as unique as they come when he hopped on board with ESPN after creating a start-up blog (ahead of his time in that regard). But he certainly wasn't the first writer to use humor in his sports columns. He was just the best there was at the time ... and he still does provide a boatload of watered-down material.
Somewhere along the line, however, he inexplicably got credited with this new wave of sports journalism and anyone else who attempted to use humor in a sports column was simply writing a Simmons column with a different byline.
There are some people, like myself, that believe the majority of sports columns should always include some sort of lame attempt at humor. After all, sports is the toy department (thank you cliché dictionary).
I guess what I'm trying to get at is that there is plenty of room for more great Bathroom Reading Material (BRM) on the net. For me and millions of other office space types, our daily 1-2 shits (or in my case 10-12) are not complete without something to read while wasting an ungodly amount of time and effort (Push!...Push!).
Typically, Simmons fits the bill for this lame type of "literature." But I need more bang for my bomb. More drama for my dump.
I've tried to do this column thing before on the Internet, while blatantly trying to avoid "sounding like Simmons," even though, for better or worse, my writing style is much like his at times. Needless to say, my old column was about as entertaining as ESPN 2 on a Tuesday afternoon in February (enter "The Black Widow" shooting for the corner pocket).
So basically I've given up...and I'm not in the least bit ashamed to admit it.
I've given up trying to NOT be like Simmons.
I'm just trying to be an alternative. I'm trying to be a better version. I'm trying to be a version that has no qualms about bashing ESPN personalities and no qualms about writing more than two columns per week.
I'm trying to be the WCW to Bill Simmons' WWF ... but I think we all can see by the design of this site, that I'm currently knee deep in the WCW Robocop stage of my ascent ( i.e. YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhfAZ1VpkTE).
So if I truly am Eric Bischoff with a keyboard, bear with me. It may take days, months, years and possibly decades to topple the mighty Simmons.
But in the meantime, I hope this site provides you with a chronic diarrhea’s worth of BRM. 'Cause I think we all could use a little bit more.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
A Potpourri of Poop
By SG2.0
With the annual Super Bowl hangover upon us and the "House that Estrogen Built" (i.e. the apartment I live in with the Sports Chick) in full-flegded fiesta mode due to Valentine's Day coming up in a couple of weeks, there's currently a potpourri of poop running through my mind.
I mean where does one turn in this February malaise?
And is it truly that sad that my life revolves around sports so much to the point that I usually declare February my least favorite month?
I mean we're weeks away from WrestleMania and the NCAA Tournament. The Royal Rumble and NFL Playoffs are in the rear-view mirror and I certainly don't want to start dissecting the Red Sox pitching rotation at this stage.
My beloved Celtics blow a fatty-bo-batty and I can't get any satisfaction watching any of the other teams in the NBA right now. In fact, this whole DirecTV NBA League Pass deal is truly grating at me now. I would have been better off taking my $179 and buying 15 of those water bottles that members of the Vick family like to bring to airports. Those are fun. And I'm thinkin' that would keep me relatively mellow for the entire month.
Simmons just ain't cuttin' it right now either, although I can't be too harsh considering the wonderful job he did during Super Bowl week. He was able to rekindle a ton of memories for me and my buddy Loon from our infamous Spring Break trip to Miami. With the budget me and him were on that glorious week, hotels weren't even a remote option. Certainly not when you had to buy $100 worth of booze and McDonald's each day.
Instead we shacked up at the lovely Hotel Lexus, which was a luxury suite that had a beautiful view of a large concrete wall. In leiman's term's ... We stayed in a fuckin' parking garage. Yup. In my friend's parents car (although a nice car at that)...in a fuckin' parking garage.
In truth, I wouldn't have had it any other way.
So thank you for the brief memories Simmons and job well done. Although I'm 100 percent convinced that you were drunk for the entire ordeal. That being said, please move to Miami and become the alcoholic we all want you too.
Oh ya, and leave ESPN. They suck.
.............
On the other hand ESPN did bring me my first possible piece of sporting sanity on Monday night when they were broadcasting live from beautiful confines of Gampel Pavilion. Looking at my former place of employment (student paper days) and part-time home to one of the greatest streaks in the history of sports (my sporting event booze-smuggling streak, R.I.P. May 21, 2000 - Nov. 18, 2004) in high-definition for the first time was a thing of beauty.
The blonde, 4-foot-2 cheerleader with the bow in her hair looked that much hotter. Jim Boeheim looked that much nerdier. And Jim Calhoun's strange skin condition looked that much scarier.
Good bless high definition and god bless my buddy Spring Chicken for buying that wonderful box of TV yumminess (wow that was gay).
On top of that, UConn actually won a Big East game! Could it be possible that a previously-uninspiring UConn team with 11 freshmen would save me from the despair I've felt since Brady threw that ball into the hands of Marlin Jackson?
On one night they did, and everything was right with the world.
That is, until I went home and felt the after shocks of that Buffalo Chicken wrap I had earlier in the day.
Calling the colon clinic.
By SG2.0
With the annual Super Bowl hangover upon us and the "House that Estrogen Built" (i.e. the apartment I live in with the Sports Chick) in full-flegded fiesta mode due to Valentine's Day coming up in a couple of weeks, there's currently a potpourri of poop running through my mind.
I mean where does one turn in this February malaise?
And is it truly that sad that my life revolves around sports so much to the point that I usually declare February my least favorite month?
I mean we're weeks away from WrestleMania and the NCAA Tournament. The Royal Rumble and NFL Playoffs are in the rear-view mirror and I certainly don't want to start dissecting the Red Sox pitching rotation at this stage.
My beloved Celtics blow a fatty-bo-batty and I can't get any satisfaction watching any of the other teams in the NBA right now. In fact, this whole DirecTV NBA League Pass deal is truly grating at me now. I would have been better off taking my $179 and buying 15 of those water bottles that members of the Vick family like to bring to airports. Those are fun. And I'm thinkin' that would keep me relatively mellow for the entire month.
Simmons just ain't cuttin' it right now either, although I can't be too harsh considering the wonderful job he did during Super Bowl week. He was able to rekindle a ton of memories for me and my buddy Loon from our infamous Spring Break trip to Miami. With the budget me and him were on that glorious week, hotels weren't even a remote option. Certainly not when you had to buy $100 worth of booze and McDonald's each day.
Instead we shacked up at the lovely Hotel Lexus, which was a luxury suite that had a beautiful view of a large concrete wall. In leiman's term's ... We stayed in a fuckin' parking garage. Yup. In my friend's parents car (although a nice car at that)...in a fuckin' parking garage.
In truth, I wouldn't have had it any other way.
So thank you for the brief memories Simmons and job well done. Although I'm 100 percent convinced that you were drunk for the entire ordeal. That being said, please move to Miami and become the alcoholic we all want you too.
Oh ya, and leave ESPN. They suck.
.............
On the other hand ESPN did bring me my first possible piece of sporting sanity on Monday night when they were broadcasting live from beautiful confines of Gampel Pavilion. Looking at my former place of employment (student paper days) and part-time home to one of the greatest streaks in the history of sports (my sporting event booze-smuggling streak, R.I.P. May 21, 2000 - Nov. 18, 2004) in high-definition for the first time was a thing of beauty.
The blonde, 4-foot-2 cheerleader with the bow in her hair looked that much hotter. Jim Boeheim looked that much nerdier. And Jim Calhoun's strange skin condition looked that much scarier.
Good bless high definition and god bless my buddy Spring Chicken for buying that wonderful box of TV yumminess (wow that was gay).
On top of that, UConn actually won a Big East game! Could it be possible that a previously-uninspiring UConn team with 11 freshmen would save me from the despair I've felt since Brady threw that ball into the hands of Marlin Jackson?
On one night they did, and everything was right with the world.
That is, until I went home and felt the after shocks of that Buffalo Chicken wrap I had earlier in the day.
Calling the colon clinic.
