Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Yes, I'm still alive...barely
By SG2.0
It has taken me a full week, but I am now able to voice some opinions on what happened the night professional basketball died for all intents and purposes. However I will save my depressing thoughts on where we should go from here until the end of the mailbag, which will be appearing tomorrow.
Until then, feel free to drink yet another liter of Pinesol and then and only then, will we attempt to move on with our lives in an orderly manner.
Thank you.
Q: I am a John Cena fan AND a wrestling historian not unlike you. How long does he have to be a champion and who does he have to beat to become (@ minimum) the Champion to lead the WWE(F) back to its upswing as you have put so eloquently.
I like the HBK/Cena angle. It started with the tag title and has grown into a great rivalry. He's taken all that HBK has and retained his title and beat HBK in a Pride match. As much as I still blame (in my head) HBK because he DID get the Title from Brett Hart (mouth throwup), he is still an ICON (PIPER) and Cena deserves credit. The real test (no pun) will be when he face HHH when he comes back, they have not feuded yet, and that should be classic with HHH being a team player at least once. The great Khali reminds me of old school Andre' T. Giant. Unstoppable. This will be a good test as well.
He'd sh** on the "Mountie!" AND Rick Martel in a handicap match. You need to admit this.
- Robert from Haverhill, Mass.
SG2.0: First of all, I am most certainly NOT a John Cena fan and what they are doing to poor Shawn Michaels' legacy right now is an embarrassment to the sacred sport of wrestling itself.
Second of all, you're a mark.
Q: With the Yankees pathetic start to the season and the Red Sox getting off to their best start possibly ever, are you ready to order a Division Champs T-shirt?
- Brett in San Diego, CA
SG2.0: I would never even contemplate buying a "Division Champs" t-shirt. I mean these are the Boston Red Sox we're talking about here. We don't celebrate division titles.
Wait, "John H. on Yawkey Way?" are you writing me E-Mail's again?! You pasty bastard, you. Awww, I could kiss you. Come 'ere ya big goof!
Q: Did you hear that Dunkin' Donuts chairman Jon L. Luther proposed to the organization's board of directors a plan that would place roughly 300-400 Dunkin' Donuts establishments throughout Southern California? ... Actually, that's a bold-faced lie, I just wanted to see if I could drive you closer to the edge. Until later SG2.0; I'll be here eating a sausage, egg and cheese on an everything bagel, washing it down with an XL Iced Coffee. Ta-Ta!
- Seth from Worcester, MA
SG2.0: Well Seth, you'll have to excuse me while I scour yellowpages.com in search of every, single "Seth" within a 20-mile radius of Worcester. You can expect a package within the next 3-4 days with an FW from Ted Kaczynski.
Thanks.
Q: How do you think Paul Pierce ranks as an all-time Celtic?
I know he's got the numbers, but back in the 80-early 90's (I consider the true end of the Celtics Dynasty to be when Tommy stopped saying "2 Zips and 3 Zaps"), Pierce to me would be Kevin Gamble.
In your opinion, who’s the 5th member of the all-time C's Team in your opinion?
C-Russell
PF- Cowens
SF-Bird
SG- ?
PG-Cousy
Do you put in DJ or Havlicek at one of the guard spots?
Do you take out Cowens because he's a Center and throw in McHale? (Cowens is NBA-PF height now)
Does Ainge even make the team?
- Jay in Chapel Hill, North Carolina
SG2.0: (***Editors Note: This answer was written prior to the tragic events of 5/22/07. In no way, shape or form, would the author even contemplate answering this lengthy question now, for it would be far too painful. The Boston Celtics are dead and frankly, a large piece of SG2.0 died as well that infamous day***)
I think you certainly put the “high” in “highly” overrating Kevin Gamble, although I do admit his name is a boatload of fun to drop every now and then on people who aren't expecting it.
Like if you're walking down the street and you see someone looking at a menu in a restaurant window, you could say, "Ya, I hear the 'Kevin Gamble' here is really good. You really should try it," and then slowly walk away while staring them in the eye.
With that said, however, Kevin Gamble never even averaged more than 16 points per game, whereas Pierce did that in his rookie year.
However, does Pierce crack the C’s all-time starting five? No F’n way.
He has never truly ran wild in a major Playoff game (I don’t consider him going off on an Isiah Thomas-coached Pacers squad in 2003 much of an accomplishment) whereas most of the all-time Celts have more rings than Pierce has playoff series victories.
And that fraudulent 2002 run I credit more to Walker and an embarrassment of an Eastern Conference than Pierce simply torching teams offensively.
Havlicek meanwhile, might be the most unappreciated NBA player of all-time. He is the all-time leading scorer in the history of the greatest NBA franchise. Does that give him a slot in the starting five? Without a doubt:
C- Russell
PF – McHale
SF – Bird
SG – Havlicek
PG – Cousy
And as sad as it is for me to admit, Danny is kind of the black sheep of that 1986 starting five. Parish, McHale, Bird and DJ are in or definitely should be in the Hall of Fame (HOF). Unfortunately, our favorite Baby-faced assassin won’t sniff the HOF unless he goes into the executive wing in 2027 after his giant free agent acquisition of Chauncey Billups and the drafting of one Greg Oden in the summer of 2007 … Or if he bites David Stern, Tree Rollins-style, after the 2007 Draft Lottery.
So, to begin with the all-time squad, I think you have to only take Hall of Fame players or would be Hall of Fame players into account. Here’s my 12-man squad:
Starters:
C- Russell
PF – McHale
SF – Bird
SG – Havlicek
PG – Cousy
Bench:
C – Robert Parish
C/PF – Dave Cowens
SF – Tommy Heinsohn
SG-SF – Paul Pierce
SG – Sam Jones
PG – Nate Archibald
PG – Dennis Johnson
Apologies are in order for Hall of Famers Dominique Wilkins and Bill Walton, but I don’t really think of them as true Celtics. Sorry Bill, I'm sure you could make a 34,343,214,324 minute argument of why you should be on this squad.
(Editor's Note: Part II of the Mailbag will appear tomorrow, any late Mailbag submissions will be strongly considered. E-Mail is: SportsGuy2.0@hotmail.com)
By SG2.0
It has taken me a full week, but I am now able to voice some opinions on what happened the night professional basketball died for all intents and purposes. However I will save my depressing thoughts on where we should go from here until the end of the mailbag, which will be appearing tomorrow.
Until then, feel free to drink yet another liter of Pinesol and then and only then, will we attempt to move on with our lives in an orderly manner.
Thank you.
Q: I am a John Cena fan AND a wrestling historian not unlike you. How long does he have to be a champion and who does he have to beat to become (@ minimum) the Champion to lead the WWE(F) back to its upswing as you have put so eloquently.
I like the HBK/Cena angle. It started with the tag title and has grown into a great rivalry. He's taken all that HBK has and retained his title and beat HBK in a Pride match. As much as I still blame (in my head) HBK because he DID get the Title from Brett Hart (mouth throwup), he is still an ICON (PIPER) and Cena deserves credit. The real test (no pun) will be when he face HHH when he comes back, they have not feuded yet, and that should be classic with HHH being a team player at least once. The great Khali reminds me of old school Andre' T. Giant. Unstoppable. This will be a good test as well.
He'd sh** on the "Mountie!" AND Rick Martel in a handicap match. You need to admit this.
- Robert from Haverhill, Mass.
SG2.0: First of all, I am most certainly NOT a John Cena fan and what they are doing to poor Shawn Michaels' legacy right now is an embarrassment to the sacred sport of wrestling itself.
Second of all, you're a mark.
Q: With the Yankees pathetic start to the season and the Red Sox getting off to their best start possibly ever, are you ready to order a Division Champs T-shirt?
- Brett in San Diego, CA
SG2.0: I would never even contemplate buying a "Division Champs" t-shirt. I mean these are the Boston Red Sox we're talking about here. We don't celebrate division titles.
Wait, "John H. on Yawkey Way?" are you writing me E-Mail's again?! You pasty bastard, you. Awww, I could kiss you. Come 'ere ya big goof!
Q: Did you hear that Dunkin' Donuts chairman Jon L. Luther proposed to the organization's board of directors a plan that would place roughly 300-400 Dunkin' Donuts establishments throughout Southern California? ... Actually, that's a bold-faced lie, I just wanted to see if I could drive you closer to the edge. Until later SG2.0; I'll be here eating a sausage, egg and cheese on an everything bagel, washing it down with an XL Iced Coffee. Ta-Ta!
- Seth from Worcester, MA
SG2.0: Well Seth, you'll have to excuse me while I scour yellowpages.com in search of every, single "Seth" within a 20-mile radius of Worcester. You can expect a package within the next 3-4 days with an FW from Ted Kaczynski.
Thanks.
Q: How do you think Paul Pierce ranks as an all-time Celtic?
I know he's got the numbers, but back in the 80-early 90's (I consider the true end of the Celtics Dynasty to be when Tommy stopped saying "2 Zips and 3 Zaps"), Pierce to me would be Kevin Gamble.
In your opinion, who’s the 5th member of the all-time C's Team in your opinion?
C-Russell
PF- Cowens
SF-Bird
SG- ?
PG-Cousy
Do you put in DJ or Havlicek at one of the guard spots?
Do you take out Cowens because he's a Center and throw in McHale? (Cowens is NBA-PF height now)
Does Ainge even make the team?
- Jay in Chapel Hill, North Carolina
SG2.0: (***Editors Note: This answer was written prior to the tragic events of 5/22/07. In no way, shape or form, would the author even contemplate answering this lengthy question now, for it would be far too painful. The Boston Celtics are dead and frankly, a large piece of SG2.0 died as well that infamous day***)
I think you certainly put the “high” in “highly” overrating Kevin Gamble, although I do admit his name is a boatload of fun to drop every now and then on people who aren't expecting it.
Like if you're walking down the street and you see someone looking at a menu in a restaurant window, you could say, "Ya, I hear the 'Kevin Gamble' here is really good. You really should try it," and then slowly walk away while staring them in the eye.
With that said, however, Kevin Gamble never even averaged more than 16 points per game, whereas Pierce did that in his rookie year.
However, does Pierce crack the C’s all-time starting five? No F’n way.
He has never truly ran wild in a major Playoff game (I don’t consider him going off on an Isiah Thomas-coached Pacers squad in 2003 much of an accomplishment) whereas most of the all-time Celts have more rings than Pierce has playoff series victories.
And that fraudulent 2002 run I credit more to Walker and an embarrassment of an Eastern Conference than Pierce simply torching teams offensively.
Havlicek meanwhile, might be the most unappreciated NBA player of all-time. He is the all-time leading scorer in the history of the greatest NBA franchise. Does that give him a slot in the starting five? Without a doubt:
C- Russell
PF – McHale
SF – Bird
SG – Havlicek
PG – Cousy
And as sad as it is for me to admit, Danny is kind of the black sheep of that 1986 starting five. Parish, McHale, Bird and DJ are in or definitely should be in the Hall of Fame (HOF). Unfortunately, our favorite Baby-faced assassin won’t sniff the HOF unless he goes into the executive wing in 2027 after his giant free agent acquisition of Chauncey Billups and the drafting of one Greg Oden in the summer of 2007 … Or if he bites David Stern, Tree Rollins-style, after the 2007 Draft Lottery.
So, to begin with the all-time squad, I think you have to only take Hall of Fame players or would be Hall of Fame players into account. Here’s my 12-man squad:
Starters:
C- Russell
PF – McHale
SF – Bird
SG – Havlicek
PG – Cousy
Bench:
C – Robert Parish
C/PF – Dave Cowens
SF – Tommy Heinsohn
SG-SF – Paul Pierce
SG – Sam Jones
PG – Nate Archibald
PG – Dennis Johnson
Apologies are in order for Hall of Famers Dominique Wilkins and Bill Walton, but I don’t really think of them as true Celtics. Sorry Bill, I'm sure you could make a 34,343,214,324 minute argument of why you should be on this squad.
(Editor's Note: Part II of the Mailbag will appear tomorrow, any late Mailbag submissions will be strongly considered. E-Mail is: SportsGuy2.0@hotmail.com)
Labels: Mailbag
Monday, May 21, 2007
It’s Not About Sports…It’s about the Celtics
By SG2.0
Tuesday night, a ping pong ball will determine whether or not I go into deep depression.
I agree that saying such things is not healthy and that I may make A.J. Soprano look like a happy-go-lucky lad by comparison.
But to think, a plastic ball bouncing the wrong way, or the right way, will have a direct effect on the next 10 years of my life.
When you care about something so deeply, it is no longer a sport. Right now, the Celtics measly 38.7 percent chance at landing a top two pick is driving me insane and consuming my life.
I will likely never meet David Stern, but if, per chance, that were to happen one day, I would have no qualms about clobbering him in the face, Parish on Laimbeer-style, followed by me promptly strapping Bret Hart’s sharp-shooter on him … simply due to the way I feel at this very moment.
I’m sure fans of the San Antonio Spurs, Utah Jazz, Cleveland Cavs and Detroit Pistons have knots in the stomachs right now. Afterall, their teams are just a few wins away from hoisting the Larry O’Brien Trophy.
But Tuesday night at approximately 8:32 p.m. ET, their nerves will pale in comparison to mine. Tuesday night is my NBA Playoffs, my Super Bowl, my World Series, all wrapped into a matter of minutes.
Tuesday night is 10 years worth of rooting, crying, drinking, screaming and cursing.
And it’s all so wrong.
In my mind, the Curse of the Bambino is now a fairy tale from long, long ago. It is ancient news and the franchise that once owned that miserable title is now more obsessed with selling pink hats to 22-year-old girls and opening up bars that sell $8.50 draft beers instead of focusing on the game itself.
Nonetheless, that franchise is extremely relevant in the world of sports.
This is all so unfair.
Boston’s newest curse is 100%, Grade A, real-life crap. It is the drama that Shakespeare never conceived.
It is a curse mired in cocaine, ghosts of past glory and above all else, bad management.
The Curse of Len Bias is the one that took down an athletic Roman Empire.
Given the number of years it took them to win 16 World Championships, the Boston Celtics are the greatest franchise in the history of American sport.
I, a self-proclaimed Celtics fan first and foremost, am 25 years old.
I was raised to think the Celtics would always win, even though when I first started paying attention, Larry Bird’s back was crumbling just as quick as the franchise itself.
John Bagley, Dino Radja, Dee Brown, Brian Shaw, Reggie Lewis, Xavier McDaniel, Eric Montross, Acie Earl, Sherman Douglas, Pervis Ellison, Dominique Wilkins, Antoine Walker, Ron Mercer, Travis Knight, Eric Williams, Bruce Bowen, Tony Battie and Paul Pierce were my guys.
But they were, however, no match for The Curse of Len Bias.
My first sports memory was watching Roger Clemens don eye black and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shoelaces against the Oakland Athletics in 1990.
My second memory was watching the Detroit Pistons beat the Celtics four games to two in the 1991 Playoffs and crying.
My third involved an injured Larry Bird hitting an off-balance three pointer, that in actuality should have been called a two, with seconds remaining against the Portland Trail Blazers in 1992.
My fourth involved me skipping an important minor league baseball game to watch Bird smash his head against the Parquet floor, only to return and destroy the Chuck Person-led Pacers as a pre-sexually deviant Marv Albert screamed over the NBC airwaves in exuberance.
Unfortunately, I would not have any confidence about the Celtics again until 1997, when a used car salesman that had more charisma than a supposed offspring of a John Fitzgerald Kennedy and a Julius Caesar made everyone believe the curse was nonsense and that he could restore the Empire to its former glory.
His name was Richard Anthony Pitino IV (The middle name and Roman numerals are used for dramatic effect and to protect the innocent).
This new emperor (and yes, I believe he actually thought of himself as an emperor after the way he stole the “President” title away from the franchise’s patriarch) even peddled books to his plebians.
I was a Pitino plebian.
The New York Times’ best seller, “Success is a Choice” made you believe you could jump off the Tobin Bridge and survive.
It was manipulative and I enjoyed every single page of it.
It was my gospel, my saving grace.
But 10 years later, come to find out, success is not a choice.
Success is luck. And success is only granted to those with the right ping pong ball.
San Antonio had the right ping pong ball that day in 1997. A decade later, they have three World Championships.
A decade later, the Celtics do not matter.
My dad, who taught me to believe in the Celtics, couldn’t rattle off the C’s starting five from this past year if his life depended on it.
It’s all Patriots, all the time for him and thousands of other middle aged guys from Massachusetts.
Whenever I speak with someone from Boston in that age range, it’s always, “man those days were fun,” or “It’s a shame we won’t see that again” when talking about the Celtics.
I can tell they are kind of afraid to admit that they don’t know much about the C’s anymore. But then again, they are older and wiser and know when and when not to care.
I am nieve.
I am hungry.
I want my own “old days.”
I believe basketball is the greatest sport on the planet when it is played the right way. I believe those days could return and I could now actually appreciate them.
The Boston Celtics deserve to be on top once again.
The Boston Celtics deserve to be relevant once again.
The Boston Celtics deserve to own the City of Boston once again.
Tuesday night will determine whether or not this dream comes true.
As I sit here drinking a warm Miller Lite and listening to “I Ain’t Missing You at All” by the immortal John Waite, I can envision a day when I tell my son about the greatest franchise in the history of American sport.
I can envision talking about how the Curse of Len Bias was broken.
I can envision talking about May 22, 2007 and how everything was reversed with the bounce of a ping pong ball.
“I was a nervous wreck that night, kid … But it wasn’t about something as meaningless as sports … It was about the Celtics.”
By SG2.0
Tuesday night, a ping pong ball will determine whether or not I go into deep depression.
I agree that saying such things is not healthy and that I may make A.J. Soprano look like a happy-go-lucky lad by comparison.
But to think, a plastic ball bouncing the wrong way, or the right way, will have a direct effect on the next 10 years of my life.
When you care about something so deeply, it is no longer a sport. Right now, the Celtics measly 38.7 percent chance at landing a top two pick is driving me insane and consuming my life.
I will likely never meet David Stern, but if, per chance, that were to happen one day, I would have no qualms about clobbering him in the face, Parish on Laimbeer-style, followed by me promptly strapping Bret Hart’s sharp-shooter on him … simply due to the way I feel at this very moment.
I’m sure fans of the San Antonio Spurs, Utah Jazz, Cleveland Cavs and Detroit Pistons have knots in the stomachs right now. Afterall, their teams are just a few wins away from hoisting the Larry O’Brien Trophy.
But Tuesday night at approximately 8:32 p.m. ET, their nerves will pale in comparison to mine. Tuesday night is my NBA Playoffs, my Super Bowl, my World Series, all wrapped into a matter of minutes.
Tuesday night is 10 years worth of rooting, crying, drinking, screaming and cursing.
And it’s all so wrong.
In my mind, the Curse of the Bambino is now a fairy tale from long, long ago. It is ancient news and the franchise that once owned that miserable title is now more obsessed with selling pink hats to 22-year-old girls and opening up bars that sell $8.50 draft beers instead of focusing on the game itself.
Nonetheless, that franchise is extremely relevant in the world of sports.
This is all so unfair.
Boston’s newest curse is 100%, Grade A, real-life crap. It is the drama that Shakespeare never conceived.
It is a curse mired in cocaine, ghosts of past glory and above all else, bad management.
The Curse of Len Bias is the one that took down an athletic Roman Empire.
Given the number of years it took them to win 16 World Championships, the Boston Celtics are the greatest franchise in the history of American sport.
I, a self-proclaimed Celtics fan first and foremost, am 25 years old.
I was raised to think the Celtics would always win, even though when I first started paying attention, Larry Bird’s back was crumbling just as quick as the franchise itself.
John Bagley, Dino Radja, Dee Brown, Brian Shaw, Reggie Lewis, Xavier McDaniel, Eric Montross, Acie Earl, Sherman Douglas, Pervis Ellison, Dominique Wilkins, Antoine Walker, Ron Mercer, Travis Knight, Eric Williams, Bruce Bowen, Tony Battie and Paul Pierce were my guys.
But they were, however, no match for The Curse of Len Bias.
My first sports memory was watching Roger Clemens don eye black and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shoelaces against the Oakland Athletics in 1990.
My second memory was watching the Detroit Pistons beat the Celtics four games to two in the 1991 Playoffs and crying.
My third involved an injured Larry Bird hitting an off-balance three pointer, that in actuality should have been called a two, with seconds remaining against the Portland Trail Blazers in 1992.
My fourth involved me skipping an important minor league baseball game to watch Bird smash his head against the Parquet floor, only to return and destroy the Chuck Person-led Pacers as a pre-sexually deviant Marv Albert screamed over the NBC airwaves in exuberance.
Unfortunately, I would not have any confidence about the Celtics again until 1997, when a used car salesman that had more charisma than a supposed offspring of a John Fitzgerald Kennedy and a Julius Caesar made everyone believe the curse was nonsense and that he could restore the Empire to its former glory.
His name was Richard Anthony Pitino IV (The middle name and Roman numerals are used for dramatic effect and to protect the innocent).
This new emperor (and yes, I believe he actually thought of himself as an emperor after the way he stole the “President” title away from the franchise’s patriarch) even peddled books to his plebians.
I was a Pitino plebian.
The New York Times’ best seller, “Success is a Choice” made you believe you could jump off the Tobin Bridge and survive.
It was manipulative and I enjoyed every single page of it.
It was my gospel, my saving grace.
But 10 years later, come to find out, success is not a choice.
Success is luck. And success is only granted to those with the right ping pong ball.
San Antonio had the right ping pong ball that day in 1997. A decade later, they have three World Championships.
A decade later, the Celtics do not matter.
My dad, who taught me to believe in the Celtics, couldn’t rattle off the C’s starting five from this past year if his life depended on it.
It’s all Patriots, all the time for him and thousands of other middle aged guys from Massachusetts.
Whenever I speak with someone from Boston in that age range, it’s always, “man those days were fun,” or “It’s a shame we won’t see that again” when talking about the Celtics.
I can tell they are kind of afraid to admit that they don’t know much about the C’s anymore. But then again, they are older and wiser and know when and when not to care.
I am nieve.
I am hungry.
I want my own “old days.”
I believe basketball is the greatest sport on the planet when it is played the right way. I believe those days could return and I could now actually appreciate them.
The Boston Celtics deserve to be on top once again.
The Boston Celtics deserve to be relevant once again.
The Boston Celtics deserve to own the City of Boston once again.
Tuesday night will determine whether or not this dream comes true.
As I sit here drinking a warm Miller Lite and listening to “I Ain’t Missing You at All” by the immortal John Waite, I can envision a day when I tell my son about the greatest franchise in the history of American sport.
I can envision talking about how the Curse of Len Bias was broken.
I can envision talking about May 22, 2007 and how everything was reversed with the bounce of a ping pong ball.
“I was a nervous wreck that night, kid … But it wasn’t about something as meaningless as sports … It was about the Celtics.”
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Yes, I'm still alive...barely
By SG2.0
It has taken me a full week, but I am now able to voice some opinions on what happened the night professional basketball died for all intents and purposes. However I will save my depressing thoughts on where we should go from here until the end of the mailbag, which will be appearing tomorrow.
Until then, feel free to drink yet another liter of Pinesol and then and only then, will we attempt to move on with our lives in an orderly manner.
Thank you.
Q: I am a John Cena fan AND a wrestling historian not unlike you. How long does he have to be a champion and who does he have to beat to become (@ minimum) the Champion to lead the WWE(F) back to its upswing as you have put so eloquently.
I like the HBK/Cena angle. It started with the tag title and has grown into a great rivalry. He's taken all that HBK has and retained his title and beat HBK in a Pride match. As much as I still blame (in my head) HBK because he DID get the Title from Brett Hart (mouth throwup), he is still an ICON (PIPER) and Cena deserves credit. The real test (no pun) will be when he face HHH when he comes back, they have not feuded yet, and that should be classic with HHH being a team player at least once. The great Khali reminds me of old school Andre' T. Giant. Unstoppable. This will be a good test as well.
He'd sh** on the "Mountie!" AND Rick Martel in a handicap match. You need to admit this.
- Robert from Haverhill, Mass.
SG2.0: First of all, I am most certainly NOT a John Cena fan and what they are doing to poor Shawn Michaels' legacy right now is an embarrassment to the sacred sport of wrestling itself.
Second of all, you're a mark.
Q: With the Yankees pathetic start to the season and the Red Sox getting off to their best start possibly ever, are you ready to order a Division Champs T-shirt?
- Brett in San Diego, CA
SG2.0: I would never even contemplate buying a "Division Champs" t-shirt. I mean these are the Boston Red Sox we're talking about here. We don't celebrate division titles.
Wait, "John H. on Yawkey Way?" are you writing me E-Mail's again?! You pasty bastard, you. Awww, I could kiss you. Come 'ere ya big goof!
Q: Did you hear that Dunkin' Donuts chairman Jon L. Luther proposed to the organization's board of directors a plan that would place roughly 300-400 Dunkin' Donuts establishments throughout Southern California? ... Actually, that's a bold-faced lie, I just wanted to see if I could drive you closer to the edge. Until later SG2.0; I'll be here eating a sausage, egg and cheese on an everything bagel, washing it down with an XL Iced Coffee. Ta-Ta!
- Seth from Worcester, MA
SG2.0: Well Seth, you'll have to excuse me while I scour yellowpages.com in search of every, single "Seth" within a 20-mile radius of Worcester. You can expect a package within the next 3-4 days with a CC from Ted Kaczynski.
Thanks.
Q: How do you think Paul Pierce ranks as an all-time Celtic?
I know he's got the numbers, but back in the 80-early 90's (I consider the true end of the Celtics Dynasty to be when Tommy stopped saying "2 Zips and 3 Zaps"), Pierce to me would be Kevin Gamble.
In your opinion, who’s the 5th member of the all-time C's Team in your opinion?
C-Russell
PF- Cowens
SF-Bird
SG- ?
PG-Cousy
Do you put in DJ or Havlicek at one of the guard spots?
Do you take out Cowens because he's a Center and throw in McHale? (Cowens is NBA-PF height now)
Does Ainge even make the team?
- Jay in Chapel Hill, North Carolina
SG2.0: (***Editors Note: This answer was written prior to the tragic events of 5/22/07. In no way, shape or form, would the author even contemplate answering this lengthy question now, for it would be far too painful. The Boston Celtics are dead and frankly, a large piece of SG2.0 died as well that infamous day***)
I think you certainly put the “high” in “highly” overrating Kevin Gamble, although I do admit his name is a boatload of fun to drop every now and then on people who aren't expecting it.
Like if you're walking down the street and you see someone looking at a menu in a restaurant window, you could say, "Ya, I hear the 'Kevin Gamble' here is really good. You really should try it," and then slowly walk away while staring them in the eye.
With that said, however, Kevin Gamble never even averaged more than 16 points per game, whereas Pierce did that in his rookie year.
However, does Pierce crack the C’s all-time starting five? No F’n way.
He has never truly ran wild in a major Playoff game (I don’t consider him going off on an Isiah Thomas-coached Pacers squad in 2003 much of an accomplishment) whereas most of the all-time Celts have more rings than Pierce has playoff series victories.
And that fraudulent 2002 run I credit more to Walker and an embarrassment of an Eastern Conference than Pierce simply torching teams offensively.
Havlicek meanwhile, might be the most unappreciated NBA player of all-time. He is the all-time leading scorer in the history of the greatest NBA franchise. Does that give him a slot in the starting five? Without a doubt:
C- Russell
PF – McHale
SF – Bird
SG – Havlicek
PG – Cousy
And as sad as it is for me to admit, Danny is kind of the black sheep of that 1986 starting five. Parish, McHale, Bird and DJ are in or definitely should be in the Hall of Fame (HOF). Unfortunately, our favorite Baby-faced assassin won’t sniff the HOF unless he goes into the executive wing in 2027 after his giant free agent acquisition of Chauncey Billups and the drafting of one Greg Oden in the summer of 2007 … Or if he bites David Stern, Tree Rollins-style, after the 2007 Draft Lottery.
So, to begin with the all-time squad, I think you have to only take Hall of Fame players or would be Hall of Fame players into account. Here’s my 12-man squad:
Starters:
C- Russell
PF – McHale
SF – Bird
SG – Havlicek
PG – Cousy
Bench:
C – Robert Parish
C/PF – Dave Cowens
SF – Tommy Heinsohn
SG-SF – Paul Pierce
SG – Sam Jones
PG – Nate Archibald
PG – Dennis Johnson
Apologies are in order for Hall of Famers Dominique Wilkins and Bill Walton, but I don’t really think of them as true Celtics. Sorry Bill, I'm sure you could make a 34,343,214,324 minute argument of why you should be on this squad.
(Editor's Note: Part II of the Mailbag will appear tomorrow, any late Mailbag submissions will be strongly considered. E-Mail is: SportsGuy2.0@hotmail.com)
By SG2.0
It has taken me a full week, but I am now able to voice some opinions on what happened the night professional basketball died for all intents and purposes. However I will save my depressing thoughts on where we should go from here until the end of the mailbag, which will be appearing tomorrow.
Until then, feel free to drink yet another liter of Pinesol and then and only then, will we attempt to move on with our lives in an orderly manner.
Thank you.
Q: I am a John Cena fan AND a wrestling historian not unlike you. How long does he have to be a champion and who does he have to beat to become (@ minimum) the Champion to lead the WWE(F) back to its upswing as you have put so eloquently.
I like the HBK/Cena angle. It started with the tag title and has grown into a great rivalry. He's taken all that HBK has and retained his title and beat HBK in a Pride match. As much as I still blame (in my head) HBK because he DID get the Title from Brett Hart (mouth throwup), he is still an ICON (PIPER) and Cena deserves credit. The real test (no pun) will be when he face HHH when he comes back, they have not feuded yet, and that should be classic with HHH being a team player at least once. The great Khali reminds me of old school Andre' T. Giant. Unstoppable. This will be a good test as well.
He'd sh** on the "Mountie!" AND Rick Martel in a handicap match. You need to admit this.
- Robert from Haverhill, Mass.
SG2.0: First of all, I am most certainly NOT a John Cena fan and what they are doing to poor Shawn Michaels' legacy right now is an embarrassment to the sacred sport of wrestling itself.
Second of all, you're a mark.
Q: With the Yankees pathetic start to the season and the Red Sox getting off to their best start possibly ever, are you ready to order a Division Champs T-shirt?
- Brett in San Diego, CA
SG2.0: I would never even contemplate buying a "Division Champs" t-shirt. I mean these are the Boston Red Sox we're talking about here. We don't celebrate division titles.
Wait, "John H. on Yawkey Way?" are you writing me E-Mail's again?! You pasty bastard, you. Awww, I could kiss you. Come 'ere ya big goof!
Q: Did you hear that Dunkin' Donuts chairman Jon L. Luther proposed to the organization's board of directors a plan that would place roughly 300-400 Dunkin' Donuts establishments throughout Southern California? ... Actually, that's a bold-faced lie, I just wanted to see if I could drive you closer to the edge. Until later SG2.0; I'll be here eating a sausage, egg and cheese on an everything bagel, washing it down with an XL Iced Coffee. Ta-Ta!
- Seth from Worcester, MA
SG2.0: Well Seth, you'll have to excuse me while I scour yellowpages.com in search of every, single "Seth" within a 20-mile radius of Worcester. You can expect a package within the next 3-4 days with a CC from Ted Kaczynski.
Thanks.
Q: How do you think Paul Pierce ranks as an all-time Celtic?
I know he's got the numbers, but back in the 80-early 90's (I consider the true end of the Celtics Dynasty to be when Tommy stopped saying "2 Zips and 3 Zaps"), Pierce to me would be Kevin Gamble.
In your opinion, who’s the 5th member of the all-time C's Team in your opinion?
C-Russell
PF- Cowens
SF-Bird
SG- ?
PG-Cousy
Do you put in DJ or Havlicek at one of the guard spots?
Do you take out Cowens because he's a Center and throw in McHale? (Cowens is NBA-PF height now)
Does Ainge even make the team?
- Jay in Chapel Hill, North Carolina
SG2.0: (***Editors Note: This answer was written prior to the tragic events of 5/22/07. In no way, shape or form, would the author even contemplate answering this lengthy question now, for it would be far too painful. The Boston Celtics are dead and frankly, a large piece of SG2.0 died as well that infamous day***)
I think you certainly put the “high” in “highly” overrating Kevin Gamble, although I do admit his name is a boatload of fun to drop every now and then on people who aren't expecting it.
Like if you're walking down the street and you see someone looking at a menu in a restaurant window, you could say, "Ya, I hear the 'Kevin Gamble' here is really good. You really should try it," and then slowly walk away while staring them in the eye.
With that said, however, Kevin Gamble never even averaged more than 16 points per game, whereas Pierce did that in his rookie year.
However, does Pierce crack the C’s all-time starting five? No F’n way.
He has never truly ran wild in a major Playoff game (I don’t consider him going off on an Isiah Thomas-coached Pacers squad in 2003 much of an accomplishment) whereas most of the all-time Celts have more rings than Pierce has playoff series victories.
And that fraudulent 2002 run I credit more to Walker and an embarrassment of an Eastern Conference than Pierce simply torching teams offensively.
Havlicek meanwhile, might be the most unappreciated NBA player of all-time. He is the all-time leading scorer in the history of the greatest NBA franchise. Does that give him a slot in the starting five? Without a doubt:
C- Russell
PF – McHale
SF – Bird
SG – Havlicek
PG – Cousy
And as sad as it is for me to admit, Danny is kind of the black sheep of that 1986 starting five. Parish, McHale, Bird and DJ are in or definitely should be in the Hall of Fame (HOF). Unfortunately, our favorite Baby-faced assassin won’t sniff the HOF unless he goes into the executive wing in 2027 after his giant free agent acquisition of Chauncey Billups and the drafting of one Greg Oden in the summer of 2007 … Or if he bites David Stern, Tree Rollins-style, after the 2007 Draft Lottery.
So, to begin with the all-time squad, I think you have to only take Hall of Fame players or would be Hall of Fame players into account. Here’s my 12-man squad:
Starters:
C- Russell
PF – McHale
SF – Bird
SG – Havlicek
PG – Cousy
Bench:
C – Robert Parish
C/PF – Dave Cowens
SF – Tommy Heinsohn
SG-SF – Paul Pierce
SG – Sam Jones
PG – Nate Archibald
PG – Dennis Johnson
Apologies are in order for Hall of Famers Dominique Wilkins and Bill Walton, but I don’t really think of them as true Celtics. Sorry Bill, I'm sure you could make a 34,343,214,324 minute argument of why you should be on this squad.
(Editor's Note: Part II of the Mailbag will appear tomorrow, any late Mailbag submissions will be strongly considered. E-Mail is: SportsGuy2.0@hotmail.com)
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Going Old School
By SG2.0
Being a sports fan under 30, you unfortunately can’t really remember ever getting too worked up for the two greatest gambling/old school sports in America; that being horse racing and boxing.
They are both the classiest of all sport, and yet at the same time, the sleaziest. Both are 99.9 percent about money and, frankly, we wouldn’t have it any other way.
For one magical day, that being last Saturday, both sports were thrust back into the limelight. Both the Mayweather-De la Hoya fight and The Kentucky Derby had that “big event feel,” that “magical buzz” that is so lacking in sports and entertainment these days.
For one day, it felt cool to be “old school” (although sadly I pride myself on attempting and typically failing to act ‘old school’ every day of my life).
Oh ya, and to top it off, I live 15 minutes from the Mexican border and it was Cinco de Mayo (Although if I ever hear some sombrero-wearing hussy from New Jersey, that looks about as Mexican as Ron Howard, ever utter the phrase
‘Cinco de Drinko’ again, I may or may not secure my ankles to a wooden block and have at them with a sledgehammer, Kathy Bates-style).
But regardless of the usual 20-30 things that typically piss me off when I stray from the friendly confines of the “House that Estrogen built,” it was one memorable sports day.
In an effort to complete my “old school” gambling, I mean, sports mentality going into Saturday, I need the two objects any compulsive gambler, I mean, sports fan needs going into a day of old school sports gluttony:
1. Find the cheapest fat cigar you can possibly find and smoke the hell out
of it
2. Find a rolled up New York sports page and hit it against your hand/leg
while cheering
Unfotunately, they don’t sell the fabulously slimy New York Post in San Diego stores and the Lupica-laced NY Daily News was no where to be seen either. So I settled for The NY Times and went on my way. Sadly, William C. Rhoden did not conjure up any hatred in my soul, as I prefer my sports writers to be both pompous and filled to the brim with mindless agendas
(sadly I never got the opportunity to accomplish too much of either as a sports writer, other than the infamous UConn pepper spray/goal post incident of 2002).
With newspaper and cheap cigar in hand, I watched my trusty steed Teuflesberg run wild on the competition in the early going, only to bow out prematurely (insert ‘much like your sex life’ joke here).
I was also able to slip in my all-time favorite horse racing phrase: “I like (random name of horse that’s racing that day). She’s a beautiful animal,” which always draws plenty of moans and groans from the people you are watching it with, because they KNOW you are a fraud for having said it.
Basically, I was in old school heaven.
Then there was the obvious bonus of watching the plantation owners, excuse me, horse owners, awkwardly celebrate their win by kissing their Nancy Reagan-like “trophy wives” (certainly in 1932) following the race.
And speaking of the vast majority of pasty skin in the audience, what do you think the over/under was for black men not named Michael Jordan, in attendance at the Derby?
2? 4? -1?
And no, you can’t count the dark horses.
Nonethess, my final grade for the race was a pedestrian B-minus. The Derby always delivers two minutes worth of shear excitement (insert ‘much like your sex life’ joke here) but it left just a little to be desired.
The only thing that could have possibly propelled it to a solid A-plus was if the ghost of Elihu Smails would have randomly showed up at the NBC sports desk and loofered Tom Hammond’s stretch marks.
Then it would have been a race for the ages.
Until then, I stand pat with my B-minus.
As for the fight, I enjoyed it as well, simply because I actually WATCHED IT. The last time I actually watched a 12-round fight, bell-to-bell,was one of those not-so-memorable-other-than-the-post-fight-interview Tyson fights in the late ‘90s/early 2000s (they all blend together at this point, so I’m not sure which one was officially the last one I watched from start to
finish).
Sure the most intriguing part of the match was watching Mayweather come down the isle donning a sombrero (clearly a hilarious, semi-racist shot at De la Hoya) , accompanied by an extremely intimidating 50 Cent (who received the kind of crowd heat typically reserved for “Million Dollar Man” Ted Dibiase or Jake “The Snake” Roberts circa 1992 following his slapping of the lovely Elizabet).
Of course the only people cheering Mayweather in the entire bar were two token black guys and a sullen me (because it’s always more fun to root for the bad guy).
Once the fight got underway, it was clear to everybody that De la Hoya had the upper hand, simply because he was actually throwing punches.
But the less-informed boxing fan, like myself, didn’t realize that Mayweather rarely throws punches and typically employs a pseudo-Ali, rope-a-dope technique, minus the whole beating the crap out of your opponent at the end thing.
Of course everyone in attendance at the bar that evening over reacted to every punched that even so much as grazed the other person’s body or head.
And I was as guily as anyone.
I was just happy to take it all in. I was just happy that for one night, and
likely one night only, “the buzz was back.”
Somewhere, huddled behind a cloud of cigar smoke and buried underneath a hat that reads “press,” Bert Sugar was smiling.
It was cool to be “old school.”
(RETURN OF THE MAILBAG! COMING IN A FEW DAYS: SEND YOUR QUESTIONS TO: SPORTSGUY2.0@HOTMAIL.COM)
By SG2.0
Being a sports fan under 30, you unfortunately can’t really remember ever getting too worked up for the two greatest gambling/old school sports in America; that being horse racing and boxing.
They are both the classiest of all sport, and yet at the same time, the sleaziest. Both are 99.9 percent about money and, frankly, we wouldn’t have it any other way.
For one magical day, that being last Saturday, both sports were thrust back into the limelight. Both the Mayweather-De la Hoya fight and The Kentucky Derby had that “big event feel,” that “magical buzz” that is so lacking in sports and entertainment these days.
For one day, it felt cool to be “old school” (although sadly I pride myself on attempting and typically failing to act ‘old school’ every day of my life).
Oh ya, and to top it off, I live 15 minutes from the Mexican border and it was Cinco de Mayo (Although if I ever hear some sombrero-wearing hussy from New Jersey, that looks about as Mexican as Ron Howard, ever utter the phrase
‘Cinco de Drinko’ again, I may or may not secure my ankles to a wooden block and have at them with a sledgehammer, Kathy Bates-style).
But regardless of the usual 20-30 things that typically piss me off when I stray from the friendly confines of the “House that Estrogen built,” it was one memorable sports day.
In an effort to complete my “old school” gambling, I mean, sports mentality going into Saturday, I need the two objects any compulsive gambler, I mean, sports fan needs going into a day of old school sports gluttony:
1. Find the cheapest fat cigar you can possibly find and smoke the hell out
of it
2. Find a rolled up New York sports page and hit it against your hand/leg
while cheering
Unfotunately, they don’t sell the fabulously slimy New York Post in San Diego stores and the Lupica-laced NY Daily News was no where to be seen either. So I settled for The NY Times and went on my way. Sadly, William C. Rhoden did not conjure up any hatred in my soul, as I prefer my sports writers to be both pompous and filled to the brim with mindless agendas
(sadly I never got the opportunity to accomplish too much of either as a sports writer, other than the infamous UConn pepper spray/goal post incident of 2002).
With newspaper and cheap cigar in hand, I watched my trusty steed Teuflesberg run wild on the competition in the early going, only to bow out prematurely (insert ‘much like your sex life’ joke here).
I was also able to slip in my all-time favorite horse racing phrase: “I like (random name of horse that’s racing that day). She’s a beautiful animal,” which always draws plenty of moans and groans from the people you are watching it with, because they KNOW you are a fraud for having said it.
Basically, I was in old school heaven.
Then there was the obvious bonus of watching the plantation owners, excuse me, horse owners, awkwardly celebrate their win by kissing their Nancy Reagan-like “trophy wives” (certainly in 1932) following the race.
And speaking of the vast majority of pasty skin in the audience, what do you think the over/under was for black men not named Michael Jordan, in attendance at the Derby?
2? 4? -1?
And no, you can’t count the dark horses.
Nonethess, my final grade for the race was a pedestrian B-minus. The Derby always delivers two minutes worth of shear excitement (insert ‘much like your sex life’ joke here) but it left just a little to be desired.
The only thing that could have possibly propelled it to a solid A-plus was if the ghost of Elihu Smails would have randomly showed up at the NBC sports desk and loofered Tom Hammond’s stretch marks.
Then it would have been a race for the ages.
Until then, I stand pat with my B-minus.
As for the fight, I enjoyed it as well, simply because I actually WATCHED IT. The last time I actually watched a 12-round fight, bell-to-bell,was one of those not-so-memorable-other-than-the-post-fight-interview Tyson fights in the late ‘90s/early 2000s (they all blend together at this point, so I’m not sure which one was officially the last one I watched from start to
finish).
Sure the most intriguing part of the match was watching Mayweather come down the isle donning a sombrero (clearly a hilarious, semi-racist shot at De la Hoya) , accompanied by an extremely intimidating 50 Cent (who received the kind of crowd heat typically reserved for “Million Dollar Man” Ted Dibiase or Jake “The Snake” Roberts circa 1992 following his slapping of the lovely Elizabet).
Of course the only people cheering Mayweather in the entire bar were two token black guys and a sullen me (because it’s always more fun to root for the bad guy).
Once the fight got underway, it was clear to everybody that De la Hoya had the upper hand, simply because he was actually throwing punches.
But the less-informed boxing fan, like myself, didn’t realize that Mayweather rarely throws punches and typically employs a pseudo-Ali, rope-a-dope technique, minus the whole beating the crap out of your opponent at the end thing.
Of course everyone in attendance at the bar that evening over reacted to every punched that even so much as grazed the other person’s body or head.
And I was as guily as anyone.
I was just happy to take it all in. I was just happy that for one night, and
likely one night only, “the buzz was back.”
Somewhere, huddled behind a cloud of cigar smoke and buried underneath a hat that reads “press,” Bert Sugar was smiling.
It was cool to be “old school.”
(RETURN OF THE MAILBAG! COMING IN A FEW DAYS: SEND YOUR QUESTIONS TO: SPORTSGUY2.0@HOTMAIL.COM)
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
RANDOM THOUGHTS: FROM THE VAULT
Strikes Back
By SG2.0
An all-out insane weekend in the world of sports. With George Steinbrenner taking one giant step closer to the grave, with an increasingly annoying Don Mattingly looking as though he will assume the Yankee controls from Joe Torre, with the Golden State Warriors inexplicably shifting into 1994 Run TMC mode, with the defending champion Heat looking older than the left side of Dick Clark’s face and last but not least, the Patriots becoming more ghetto than Suge Knight and Lil’ John combined within a span of 24 hours, I’m not really sure where to begin.
To solve the problem I’m going to break out one of my old classics and let “Random Thoughts: From the Vault” handle things. Enjoy:
- Speaking of Joe Torre, I swear on the grave of Sandra Bernhart’s career that Joe is somehow related to Johnny Sak from the Soprano’s. And isn’t it quite eerie that the Yankees recent slide began, almost to the day, of Johnny Sak’s death?
“New York” will never be the same in both instances.
- I would not want to be the person to follow Colter Bean into the bathroom after he had done his business. I mean the guy has the body of a young Goldust…and yes, that’s an insult to Goldust.
With that said, I’d like to see him coming out of the Yankees bullpen A LOT more in the coming months.
- Without question my favorite non-Patriots Randy Moss moment (I truly can’t wait for his first few encounters with the Boston media, particularly a weekly segment on the Dennis & Callahan Show) came after the Green Bay incident when he said next time he does something vulgar on the field he’d “shake his (insert slang for penis)” instead of his ass.
- I’d be interested to see what Joe Buck would say following something like that and/or if he’d instantaneously make Tim McCarver look hip by comparison?
- Never have I adored a woman more than Viki Vale in the first Batman movie. I am still convinced that she and Jessica Rabbit ultimately put me through puberty. However all feelings I once had for Ms. Kim Basinger have now vanished after the way she blackmailed Baldwin. What a witch.
- Today, May 1st marks three weeks until Judgment Day. Might as well buy some diapers in advance because there’s about a 100 in 100 chance that I will pull a “Vito’s son” that day in the shower.
- With the acquisition of Randy Moss, I’d like to declare that I am no longer a fan of Joe Buck or anything he has ever accomplished in his entire life. Thank you.
- Attention Mr. Reche Caldwell. You may now return to your previous job of being a stunt double for “X the Owl” in the Land of Make Believe.
- Took in my first Padres game at historic Petco Park over the weekend. With the Pads playing their “rivals,” the Dodgers, the ballpark goons blasted the old Celtics chant, “Beat L.A.” on the scoreboard every other at-bat. I certainly got giddy when I first heard it, as that is, without question, my favorite chant of all-time. On the other hand, the only people that were chanting those wonderful words, that truly possess so much meaning, were six-year-old kids that were more interested in their Brian Giles bobblehead than in actually “Beating L.A.”
- ">One of the finest profanity laced tirades of all-time: Brian Pillman made people BELIEVE this storyline was real.
- Alert: TNT’s spectacular coverage of the NBA playoffs is dangerously close to reaching NBC level. With a Pistons-Bulls series looming and Marv in the booth, I’m starting to get a bit nostalgic. If only we can convince Dick Ebersol to hand over the rights to the greatest sports theme song of all-time, then we’ll truly be in business.
Am I the only one that tears up when hearing “The Mountie’s” first theme song? Wait. Don’t answer that.
How is it that the two most prominent analysts in baseball, Tim McCarver and Joe Morgan, are able to articulate their “knowledge” about the game of baseball about as well as Stephen Hawking recently “talked” about putting people on Pluto?
It’s getting to the point now that Donald Trump has to precede every sentence he says with “Rosie,” and quite frankly, I couldn’t be happier about the whole thing.
For instance, “Rosie is fat" or "Rosie is a loser" or "Rosie is a lesbian" or "Rosie, yes I’d like a cup of coffee" or "Rosie, I’m naming this building 'Rosie' because it’s gonna be UUUUUUUUUGE!”
Hey, these things happen. It’s much like when Hulk Hogan would have to precede everything with “Brother” or when Ed McMahon would have to precede everything with “YES!”
Finally, given my past history of awkward conversations with professional athletes and/or celebrities, I would like to announce that I will be attending an awkward smorgasbord in a couple weeks when I attend the NFL Rookie Photo Shoot for work.
If there are any questions you would like me to awkwardly ask anyone that was drafted in the first or second round of the draft this past weekend let me know.
I’m already gearing up for an extremely awkward conversation with Pats rookie safety Brandon Merriweather, when I find out whether it’s better to use a “soccer style” kick to someone’s face/body or to just flat out cleat their ass.
With that said, send your NFL Rookie questions to:
SportsGuy2.0@hotmail.com
And we’ll be sure to pass them along.
Until next time; stay sleazy.
Strikes Back
By SG2.0
An all-out insane weekend in the world of sports. With George Steinbrenner taking one giant step closer to the grave, with an increasingly annoying Don Mattingly looking as though he will assume the Yankee controls from Joe Torre, with the Golden State Warriors inexplicably shifting into 1994 Run TMC mode, with the defending champion Heat looking older than the left side of Dick Clark’s face and last but not least, the Patriots becoming more ghetto than Suge Knight and Lil’ John combined within a span of 24 hours, I’m not really sure where to begin.
To solve the problem I’m going to break out one of my old classics and let “Random Thoughts: From the Vault” handle things. Enjoy:
- Speaking of Joe Torre, I swear on the grave of Sandra Bernhart’s career that Joe is somehow related to Johnny Sak from the Soprano’s. And isn’t it quite eerie that the Yankees recent slide began, almost to the day, of Johnny Sak’s death?
“New York” will never be the same in both instances.
- I would not want to be the person to follow Colter Bean into the bathroom after he had done his business. I mean the guy has the body of a young Goldust…and yes, that’s an insult to Goldust.
With that said, I’d like to see him coming out of the Yankees bullpen A LOT more in the coming months.
- Without question my favorite non-Patriots Randy Moss moment (I truly can’t wait for his first few encounters with the Boston media, particularly a weekly segment on the Dennis & Callahan Show) came after the Green Bay incident when he said next time he does something vulgar on the field he’d “shake his (insert slang for penis)” instead of his ass.
- I’d be interested to see what Joe Buck would say following something like that and/or if he’d instantaneously make Tim McCarver look hip by comparison?
- Never have I adored a woman more than Viki Vale in the first Batman movie. I am still convinced that she and Jessica Rabbit ultimately put me through puberty. However all feelings I once had for Ms. Kim Basinger have now vanished after the way she blackmailed Baldwin. What a witch.
- Today, May 1st marks three weeks until Judgment Day. Might as well buy some diapers in advance because there’s about a 100 in 100 chance that I will pull a “Vito’s son” that day in the shower.
- With the acquisition of Randy Moss, I’d like to declare that I am no longer a fan of Joe Buck or anything he has ever accomplished in his entire life. Thank you.
- Attention Mr. Reche Caldwell. You may now return to your previous job of being a stunt double for “X the Owl” in the Land of Make Believe.
- Took in my first Padres game at historic Petco Park over the weekend. With the Pads playing their “rivals,” the Dodgers, the ballpark goons blasted the old Celtics chant, “Beat L.A.” on the scoreboard every other at-bat. I certainly got giddy when I first heard it, as that is, without question, my favorite chant of all-time. On the other hand, the only people that were chanting those wonderful words, that truly possess so much meaning, were six-year-old kids that were more interested in their Brian Giles bobblehead than in actually “Beating L.A.”
- ">One of the finest profanity laced tirades of all-time: Brian Pillman made people BELIEVE this storyline was real.
- Alert: TNT’s spectacular coverage of the NBA playoffs is dangerously close to reaching NBC level. With a Pistons-Bulls series looming and Marv in the booth, I’m starting to get a bit nostalgic. If only we can convince Dick Ebersol to hand over the rights to the greatest sports theme song of all-time, then we’ll truly be in business.
Am I the only one that tears up when hearing “The Mountie’s” first theme song? Wait. Don’t answer that.
How is it that the two most prominent analysts in baseball, Tim McCarver and Joe Morgan, are able to articulate their “knowledge” about the game of baseball about as well as Stephen Hawking recently “talked” about putting people on Pluto?
It’s getting to the point now that Donald Trump has to precede every sentence he says with “Rosie,” and quite frankly, I couldn’t be happier about the whole thing.
For instance, “Rosie is fat" or "Rosie is a loser" or "Rosie is a lesbian" or "Rosie, yes I’d like a cup of coffee" or "Rosie, I’m naming this building 'Rosie' because it’s gonna be UUUUUUUUUGE!”
Hey, these things happen. It’s much like when Hulk Hogan would have to precede everything with “Brother” or when Ed McMahon would have to precede everything with “YES!”
Finally, given my past history of awkward conversations with professional athletes and/or celebrities, I would like to announce that I will be attending an awkward smorgasbord in a couple weeks when I attend the NFL Rookie Photo Shoot for work.
If there are any questions you would like me to awkwardly ask anyone that was drafted in the first or second round of the draft this past weekend let me know.
I’m already gearing up for an extremely awkward conversation with Pats rookie safety Brandon Merriweather, when I find out whether it’s better to use a “soccer style” kick to someone’s face/body or to just flat out cleat their ass.
With that said, send your NFL Rookie questions to:
SportsGuy2.0@hotmail.com
And we’ll be sure to pass them along.
Until next time; stay sleazy.
