Thursday, March 08, 2007
Mailing it in
By SG2.0
Another day, another mailbag. Sure, it's without question the easiest form of writing a column and you could say whenever a mailbag appears, it's a sure sign that I'm (pun indended) mailing it in.
But they're also an easy read, so shutup and like it.
To the mail we go:
Q: Hope you have fun watching UConn in the NIT ... that is, if they even make the NIT! MUHAHAHAAHAH! In the words of the two guys in the backround during Adam Sandler's meltdown in the Wedding Singer, "you suck....YOU SUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
- Vic from Syracuse, NY
SG2.0: Hey, every top five program in the country is entitled to an off-year. Although I must admit I didn't see them being THIS bad. I took an extra long lunch break at work to watch that pathetic performance at MSG the other day and took away two things from it.
1. Nothing says fun like watching a sporting event in a bar at noon on a Wednesday that's filled with just you and a bartender that happens to be a dude that somewhat resembles Nick Nolte ala "the mug shot."
2. Nothing says fun like watching a sporting event in a bar at noon on a Wednesday without being able to drink.
Just depressing times all around. I mean did BOTH my basketball teams have to be this pathetic in the same year? Where's the justice in that?
Oh and by the way. You quoted the Wedding Singer.
Q: Hey SG2,
Just wondering if you're as happy as I am that "Cornbread" Maxwell finally put Violet Palmer in her place, saying she should "go back to the kitchen" and "Go in there and make me some bacon and eggs, would you?"
I know you and Violet have had a "love/hate" relationship in the past so I was wondering what your reaction was. Also, this is very remiscent of when Sir Charles said "women dont need watches, there's a clock on the oven"
- Bryan from Yonkers
SG2.0: I found it strange that people were so outraged by this. I also found it strange that Maxwell said this on the same day he attended DJ's funeral.
First of all, cut the guy some slack. He just lost his best friend and was probably not the most rational person at the time.
Secondly, I'm 100% certain that Tommy Heinsohn's said stuff 100% worse than that regarding that tramp Violet Palmer.
Hey here's a Tommy Point for ya Violet: Your weave is RE-DICULOUS!!!!!!
Q: What are your thoughts on "The Departed" winning best picture at the Academy Awards?
- Sal from Hoboken
SG2.0: Absolutely loved the movie. It just didn't seem "Oscar worthy" to me though. I feel like every Oscar award winner should be a flick that leaves you absolutely blown away when you walk out of the theater. With "The Departed," I felt like I got my money's worth (which is saying something considering I loathe paying for s*** movies).
I'm about as harsh a movie critic as there is.
With that being said, I think the fact that it was based in Boston raised the enjoyment level at least two or three notches right off the bat. I'd like to know what someone from Iowa thought of it.
Then again, who cares what people from Iowa think.
Q: For your money (which isn't much), who would you say is the best "celebrity fan?" Jack, Spike, other? Discuss.
- Steven from Hollywood, FL
SG2.0: Great question Steven. This one's gonna keep me up at night.
To start off, we must break things down animal style.
For instance, celeb football and hockey fans are automatically eliminated from the discussion. I mean do we know who the biggest celebrity Chicago Bears fan is?
What's that you say? Jim Belushi?
No-No. I said CELEBRITY.
You never see celebrities in the stands at either of those events and if you do, they're usually in the friendly confines of the owner's press box.
Personally I think the NBA has the best celebrity fans, but at the same time, you only really see them in New York and L.A..
Baseball is a celeb haven as well, but you only really see them in New York and Boston.
So here are our candidates by city:
L.A. - Jack (Lakers), Dyan Cannon (Lakers), Penny Marshall (Clippers), Billy Crystal (Clippers), Larry David (Knicks)
N.Y. - Spike (Knicks), Jerry Seinfeld (Mets), Billy Crystal (Yankees)
Boston - Ben Affleck (Red Sox), Stephen King (Red Sox), Denis Leary (Red Sox), The Wahlberg bros. (Celtics)
Honorable mention: Eva Longoria (Spurs), Ashley Judd (Kentucky), Jay-Z (Nets), Bill Murray (Cubs), Eddie Vedder (Bulls), Snoop (USC), Anna Kournikova (Heat), Matthew McConauhey (Texas), Alice Cooper (Suns)
Those are your candidates. Now, let's Digger Phelps their asses in reverse order:
12. Penny Marshall - Last on the list because everything about her is repulsive these days. Has she made one good movie in the past 20 years? Does anyone even remotely remember Laverne and Shirley and if so, was that show even solid for it's time?
I'm pretty sure "Squiggy" would get more of a reaction if he were to walk down Rodeo Drive tomorrow.
11. Billy Crystal, Clippers fan - Not really sure how Billy became a Clippers fan being from New York and all. I'm pretty sure he did it simply so he would have some new material for his act. And yes, at one point in time, Billy Crystal had new material in his act.
10. Ben Affleck - Now unlike the other 99.9 % of people in this world, I'm not going to trash on Ben Whoo-Fleck! I mean the guy made one of the best movies of all time, he's an Irish guy from Boston that had a torrid relationship with the most famous latino of all time (what are the odds of that?), then proceeded to knock up the cutest actress in Hollywood. By my count, that's a pretty good career in and of itself and I guarantee any dude who criticizes him would trade places with him in a heart beat. Jealousy breeds contempt.
That said, I believe Affleck's actions regarding the Red Sox opened the flood gates for fake fans to jump on the bandwagon. When he showed up to Fenway with J-Lo that time, it created a whole new level of Sox fan.
Trust me, being a Red Sox fan wasn't always so gay.
9. Denis Leary - His performance in the HBO special "Reverse of the Curse of the Bambino," was nothing short of phenomenal. But I still have yet to see Leary in attendance at Fenway. Maybe now that he has a hit show after his previous 25 sitcoms bombed, he can afford to dish off some cash to Larry Luchino and the boys and buy a damn ticket. At least it would keep one more 24-year old girl from Melrose that thinks she has a legitimate shot at going home with Gabe Kapler from occupying that seat. Oh ya and you can bring Lenny Clarke along too Denis. We promise we'll laugh at at least one of his jokes.
8. Stephen King - Yes, the third Red Sox fan in a row. Stuck in mediocrity.
I think King brought an eery yet cool type of presence to Fenway when the Red Sox were still supposedly "cursed." But as soon as Foulke tossed that ball to first in St. Louis that fateful night, I would have been perfectly fine with never seeing him at Fenway again.
7. Jerry Seinfeld - Maybe it's the fact that the Mets haven't been relevent in recent years or maybe it's the fact that Seinfeld hasn't been relevent in recent years. Listen, I like Jerry as much as the next guy and my feelings on Seinfeld being the greatest sitcom of all time will never change. But seeing Jerry awkwardly clap in an orange box seat at Shea doesn't exactly get me juiced.
6. Larry David - The creator of "Seinfeld" enters the upper portion of this list, if only because he goes to Lakers games, but doesn't really root for them. He simply likes basketball. He doesn't cheer for the Lakers because he's an admitted Knicks fan.
I'm cool with that. Larry David is no fraud.
5. Billy Crystal, Yankees fan - I'll admit it. He lives and dies with the Yankees and I give him his props for that. But Yankee fans pride themselves on being tough, arrogant and taking no s***. Did Billy exactly live up to that reputation when he wore a Mets hat in City Slickers? Or when he publicly cried worse than the fat girl from Ugly Betty after the Sox made the greatest comeback in sports history in 2004?
That alone made it mentally possible for me to parade around Yankee Stadium in an obnoxious Pat Patriot and Red Sox hat just a few months later and NOT fear for my life. Any fan base who's figure-head bawls on national TV doesn't have my respect. He alone brought the fear factor of going into Yankee Stadium as a Red Sox fan down about three levels. I feel very strongly about this.
4. The Wahlberg Bros. - They have infinitely more respect from me than any celeb Red Sox fan, if only because they're true to their colors. They grew up in the Bird era and in an era where the Celtics were the No. 1 team in town. Now, they still remain true to a franchise that is possibly the worst in all of professional basketball.
You think Ben Affleck would show up to a September Red Sox game if they were 22.5 games out of first place? I think not.
Plus Mark's performance in "The Departed" simply stole the show in a movie laced with big time actors and great one-liners. He was also a comic genius in "I Heart Huckabees." Look into it.
3. Dyan Cannon - Didn't think ol' Dyan would make it this far did you? Au contraire. I mean has she ever done ANYTHING other than attend Laker games? I really need to IMDB her to see if she has ever appeared in anything.
OK, I will.
Says here that her latest role came as "Lois" in the 2005 blockbuster "The Boynton Beach Bereavement Club."
I guess maybe I'm too young to appreciate her work. On the other hand, she almost single-handedly put me through puberty when I rented "Caddyshack II" as a young boy. I am grateful for that.
And even if she is 60-plus years old by now, don't think for one second I wouldn't take her in the back of The Fabulous Forum and have my way with her. Magic-style.
God bless the '80s.
2. Spike Lee - Spike's fued with Reggie Miller in the early '90s is well chronicled. I mean the guy BECAME part of the game on numerous occassions. No other fan has ever done such a thing.
Now, you can still see Spike sitting in those courtside seats during basically every Knicks game at the Garden. He even gets into it during Bobcats-Knicks games. I've seen it!
1. Jack Nicholson - I mean was there even need for debate on number one? Jack IS the Lakers mystique. When he likely kicks the bucket in a few years, the Lakers will NEVER be the same.
The epitome of cool, Jack makes the Lakers a team that's always in style, no matter what the decade.
There's even a classic story regarding one time in the '80s when Jack got a seat on the Celtics charter flight back to Boston, simply because he thought he could get in the heads of the Celtics. Now that's what I call a fan.
Of course in one of the greatest showdown's in the history of life, the Basketball Jesus walked by him on the plane and delivered possibly his greatest trash-talking one-liner of all-time.
It was short and to the point.
Jack: "Hey Larry. (In typical, mocking Jack fashion). How's it goin?"
Bird (without skipping a beat): "Hey Jack, why don't you get a f****** job?"
Annnnnd Scene.
In the words of John Turturro in The Big Lebowski, "Don't f*** with the Jesus man."
Part II of the Mailbag will come in a few days. Ask your questions to SG2.0 at: SportsGuy2.0@hotmail.com
By SG2.0
Another day, another mailbag. Sure, it's without question the easiest form of writing a column and you could say whenever a mailbag appears, it's a sure sign that I'm (pun indended) mailing it in.
But they're also an easy read, so shutup and like it.
To the mail we go:
Q: Hope you have fun watching UConn in the NIT ... that is, if they even make the NIT! MUHAHAHAAHAH! In the words of the two guys in the backround during Adam Sandler's meltdown in the Wedding Singer, "you suck....YOU SUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
- Vic from Syracuse, NY
SG2.0: Hey, every top five program in the country is entitled to an off-year. Although I must admit I didn't see them being THIS bad. I took an extra long lunch break at work to watch that pathetic performance at MSG the other day and took away two things from it.
1. Nothing says fun like watching a sporting event in a bar at noon on a Wednesday that's filled with just you and a bartender that happens to be a dude that somewhat resembles Nick Nolte ala "the mug shot."
2. Nothing says fun like watching a sporting event in a bar at noon on a Wednesday without being able to drink.
Just depressing times all around. I mean did BOTH my basketball teams have to be this pathetic in the same year? Where's the justice in that?
Oh and by the way. You quoted the Wedding Singer.
Q: Hey SG2,
Just wondering if you're as happy as I am that "Cornbread" Maxwell finally put Violet Palmer in her place, saying she should "go back to the kitchen" and "Go in there and make me some bacon and eggs, would you?"
I know you and Violet have had a "love/hate" relationship in the past so I was wondering what your reaction was. Also, this is very remiscent of when Sir Charles said "women dont need watches, there's a clock on the oven"
- Bryan from Yonkers
SG2.0: I found it strange that people were so outraged by this. I also found it strange that Maxwell said this on the same day he attended DJ's funeral.
First of all, cut the guy some slack. He just lost his best friend and was probably not the most rational person at the time.
Secondly, I'm 100% certain that Tommy Heinsohn's said stuff 100% worse than that regarding that tramp Violet Palmer.
Hey here's a Tommy Point for ya Violet: Your weave is RE-DICULOUS!!!!!!
Q: What are your thoughts on "The Departed" winning best picture at the Academy Awards?
- Sal from Hoboken
SG2.0: Absolutely loved the movie. It just didn't seem "Oscar worthy" to me though. I feel like every Oscar award winner should be a flick that leaves you absolutely blown away when you walk out of the theater. With "The Departed," I felt like I got my money's worth (which is saying something considering I loathe paying for s*** movies).
I'm about as harsh a movie critic as there is.
With that being said, I think the fact that it was based in Boston raised the enjoyment level at least two or three notches right off the bat. I'd like to know what someone from Iowa thought of it.
Then again, who cares what people from Iowa think.
Q: For your money (which isn't much), who would you say is the best "celebrity fan?" Jack, Spike, other? Discuss.
- Steven from Hollywood, FL
SG2.0: Great question Steven. This one's gonna keep me up at night.
To start off, we must break things down animal style.
For instance, celeb football and hockey fans are automatically eliminated from the discussion. I mean do we know who the biggest celebrity Chicago Bears fan is?
What's that you say? Jim Belushi?
No-No. I said CELEBRITY.
You never see celebrities in the stands at either of those events and if you do, they're usually in the friendly confines of the owner's press box.
Personally I think the NBA has the best celebrity fans, but at the same time, you only really see them in New York and L.A..
Baseball is a celeb haven as well, but you only really see them in New York and Boston.
So here are our candidates by city:
L.A. - Jack (Lakers), Dyan Cannon (Lakers), Penny Marshall (Clippers), Billy Crystal (Clippers), Larry David (Knicks)
N.Y. - Spike (Knicks), Jerry Seinfeld (Mets), Billy Crystal (Yankees)
Boston - Ben Affleck (Red Sox), Stephen King (Red Sox), Denis Leary (Red Sox), The Wahlberg bros. (Celtics)
Honorable mention: Eva Longoria (Spurs), Ashley Judd (Kentucky), Jay-Z (Nets), Bill Murray (Cubs), Eddie Vedder (Bulls), Snoop (USC), Anna Kournikova (Heat), Matthew McConauhey (Texas), Alice Cooper (Suns)
Those are your candidates. Now, let's Digger Phelps their asses in reverse order:
12. Penny Marshall - Last on the list because everything about her is repulsive these days. Has she made one good movie in the past 20 years? Does anyone even remotely remember Laverne and Shirley and if so, was that show even solid for it's time?
I'm pretty sure "Squiggy" would get more of a reaction if he were to walk down Rodeo Drive tomorrow.
11. Billy Crystal, Clippers fan - Not really sure how Billy became a Clippers fan being from New York and all. I'm pretty sure he did it simply so he would have some new material for his act. And yes, at one point in time, Billy Crystal had new material in his act.
10. Ben Affleck - Now unlike the other 99.9 % of people in this world, I'm not going to trash on Ben Whoo-Fleck! I mean the guy made one of the best movies of all time, he's an Irish guy from Boston that had a torrid relationship with the most famous latino of all time (what are the odds of that?), then proceeded to knock up the cutest actress in Hollywood. By my count, that's a pretty good career in and of itself and I guarantee any dude who criticizes him would trade places with him in a heart beat. Jealousy breeds contempt.
That said, I believe Affleck's actions regarding the Red Sox opened the flood gates for fake fans to jump on the bandwagon. When he showed up to Fenway with J-Lo that time, it created a whole new level of Sox fan.
Trust me, being a Red Sox fan wasn't always so gay.
9. Denis Leary - His performance in the HBO special "Reverse of the Curse of the Bambino," was nothing short of phenomenal. But I still have yet to see Leary in attendance at Fenway. Maybe now that he has a hit show after his previous 25 sitcoms bombed, he can afford to dish off some cash to Larry Luchino and the boys and buy a damn ticket. At least it would keep one more 24-year old girl from Melrose that thinks she has a legitimate shot at going home with Gabe Kapler from occupying that seat. Oh ya and you can bring Lenny Clarke along too Denis. We promise we'll laugh at at least one of his jokes.
8. Stephen King - Yes, the third Red Sox fan in a row. Stuck in mediocrity.
I think King brought an eery yet cool type of presence to Fenway when the Red Sox were still supposedly "cursed." But as soon as Foulke tossed that ball to first in St. Louis that fateful night, I would have been perfectly fine with never seeing him at Fenway again.
7. Jerry Seinfeld - Maybe it's the fact that the Mets haven't been relevent in recent years or maybe it's the fact that Seinfeld hasn't been relevent in recent years. Listen, I like Jerry as much as the next guy and my feelings on Seinfeld being the greatest sitcom of all time will never change. But seeing Jerry awkwardly clap in an orange box seat at Shea doesn't exactly get me juiced.
6. Larry David - The creator of "Seinfeld" enters the upper portion of this list, if only because he goes to Lakers games, but doesn't really root for them. He simply likes basketball. He doesn't cheer for the Lakers because he's an admitted Knicks fan.
I'm cool with that. Larry David is no fraud.
5. Billy Crystal, Yankees fan - I'll admit it. He lives and dies with the Yankees and I give him his props for that. But Yankee fans pride themselves on being tough, arrogant and taking no s***. Did Billy exactly live up to that reputation when he wore a Mets hat in City Slickers? Or when he publicly cried worse than the fat girl from Ugly Betty after the Sox made the greatest comeback in sports history in 2004?
That alone made it mentally possible for me to parade around Yankee Stadium in an obnoxious Pat Patriot and Red Sox hat just a few months later and NOT fear for my life. Any fan base who's figure-head bawls on national TV doesn't have my respect. He alone brought the fear factor of going into Yankee Stadium as a Red Sox fan down about three levels. I feel very strongly about this.
4. The Wahlberg Bros. - They have infinitely more respect from me than any celeb Red Sox fan, if only because they're true to their colors. They grew up in the Bird era and in an era where the Celtics were the No. 1 team in town. Now, they still remain true to a franchise that is possibly the worst in all of professional basketball.
You think Ben Affleck would show up to a September Red Sox game if they were 22.5 games out of first place? I think not.
Plus Mark's performance in "The Departed" simply stole the show in a movie laced with big time actors and great one-liners. He was also a comic genius in "I Heart Huckabees." Look into it.
3. Dyan Cannon - Didn't think ol' Dyan would make it this far did you? Au contraire. I mean has she ever done ANYTHING other than attend Laker games? I really need to IMDB her to see if she has ever appeared in anything.
OK, I will.
Says here that her latest role came as "Lois" in the 2005 blockbuster "The Boynton Beach Bereavement Club."
I guess maybe I'm too young to appreciate her work. On the other hand, she almost single-handedly put me through puberty when I rented "Caddyshack II" as a young boy. I am grateful for that.
And even if she is 60-plus years old by now, don't think for one second I wouldn't take her in the back of The Fabulous Forum and have my way with her. Magic-style.
God bless the '80s.
2. Spike Lee - Spike's fued with Reggie Miller in the early '90s is well chronicled. I mean the guy BECAME part of the game on numerous occassions. No other fan has ever done such a thing.
Now, you can still see Spike sitting in those courtside seats during basically every Knicks game at the Garden. He even gets into it during Bobcats-Knicks games. I've seen it!
1. Jack Nicholson - I mean was there even need for debate on number one? Jack IS the Lakers mystique. When he likely kicks the bucket in a few years, the Lakers will NEVER be the same.
The epitome of cool, Jack makes the Lakers a team that's always in style, no matter what the decade.
There's even a classic story regarding one time in the '80s when Jack got a seat on the Celtics charter flight back to Boston, simply because he thought he could get in the heads of the Celtics. Now that's what I call a fan.
Of course in one of the greatest showdown's in the history of life, the Basketball Jesus walked by him on the plane and delivered possibly his greatest trash-talking one-liner of all-time.
It was short and to the point.
Jack: "Hey Larry. (In typical, mocking Jack fashion). How's it goin?"
Bird (without skipping a beat): "Hey Jack, why don't you get a f****** job?"
Annnnnd Scene.
In the words of John Turturro in The Big Lebowski, "Don't f*** with the Jesus man."
Part II of the Mailbag will come in a few days. Ask your questions to SG2.0 at: SportsGuy2.0@hotmail.com
Friday, March 02, 2007
So sad I could puke
By SG2.0
So I'd say 72.3 percent of the reason I moved out to the West Coast in the first place was to finally be able to fulfill my lifelong dream of watching the Celtics battle the Lakers in Los Angeles.
Now I truly do expect quite a few shoulder shrugs here. I mean this once great rivalry is about as dead as Alan Thicke's career.
It hasn't truly mattered since about 1990 (un-coincidentally the year that I started watching the NBA) and has gotten so lackluster that a few "wiggers" in attendance at the TD BankNorth Garden last month, started chanting "MVP! ... MVP! ... MVP!" for Kobe Bryant of all people.
Yes Kobe Bryant. You know that guy that is the LAKERS best player. Not to mention he makes Jeff Gilooly and Joey Buttafuoco look like "Co-Husbands of the Year" by comparison.
Now I'm sure the "people" chanting those horrific words that ugly night in Boston were nothing more than 16-year-old posers from the 'burbs of Massachusetts that openly root for people like Shawne Merriman, Ray Lewis, Kobe, LeBron and Jeter because they enjoy how their jersey's look and they're quote, unquote "nasty dude!!!"
I like to call this type of behavior the "Penny Hardaway Effect."
And you know the types that suffer from this hideous disease.
They're the soul-less kids in your neighborhood that always think whoever's ass Stuart Scott kisses that night on SportsCenter will pan out into the next Michael Jordan.
They're also, ironically, the kids that like to cheer against the home team when they're down. Yup, those kids.
The type of kids that use their spare time to attempt to pick up girls outside (and in) Dunkin' Donuts and then think they're bad asses because they peel out of a 8,000 square foot parking lot with a grand total of 2 cars, 1 dog and a lamp post in it at 10:30 on a Friday night.
Ya THOSE kids.
But guess what. I DIDN'T have them on my mind while driving North on the So Cal 5 last Friday afternoon. That would have been a waste of everyone's time.
Unfortunately I was thinking about a different blow to the greatest franchise in NBA history.
"D.J." had died a day earlier and with him went yet another part of the Celtic mystique.
I was always taught that those Celtic teams of the 1980s were invincible. That they were immortal.
That '86 team in particular, was always engraved in my mind as to what a starting line-up should look like.
They were the measuring stick.
Chief at center.
McHale at power forward.
Bird at small forward.
Ainge at the two-guard.
D.J. at point.
Though I don't remember watching one game of that magical 1986 season live (I was four years old at the time); that line-up was, for better or worse, my bible.
During a drunken haze one night before Game 1 of the 2002 Eastern Conference Finals, my buddy Spring Chicken was witness to me hugging a toilet bowl at 2 in the morning and sadly explaining why I hadn't fallen in love with Paul Pierce, Antoine Walker and Kenny Anderson yet.
I told him ... well, slurred to him, in my best Anna Nicole impersonation, that the '86 team had a personality. That '86 team would have no trouble punching Bill Laimbeer in the face. That '86 team would have no trouble talking major trash with 2:00 left in a do-or-die Game 7.
They exuded a wonderful arrogance that will never be matched.
And I, unfairly, judged this "new breed" of Celtics against them.
It was then and there that I began feeding that friggin' porcelain bowl a lethal dose of buffalo chicken, bleu cheese and cheap tequila.
But it wasn't your ordinary post-party puke fest. No-No.
This one was special.
This one was a puke for the ages.
This one was for nostalgia purposes only.
This one was for "the line-up."
In between each upheaval, I would shout out, in a musical, rythmical tone, the names of each member.
"The line-up" never sounded so good.
In my best Celtics PA announcer voice (unfortunately the guy that is now the PA announcer at Boston College basketball games), I began:
"Annnnnnd Nowwwww, aahhhhh inter-o-du-sing ahhhh the Boston Celtics!
(Blood Curdling PUKE!)
"At ahhh guard from ahhh BYU, ahh num-ber forty-four ahhhhh Danny Ainge!"
(Quick puke followed by a woman-like, "excuse me" burp)
"The forward from ahhh Minnesota, ahh numba thirty-two ahhhh Kevin Mc-Halllllllle!
(Violent aftershock Puke. It stung the nostrils)
"At the other guard from ahhh Pepperdine, ahhh num-ber threeeeee, Den-NIS Johnson!
(Calming puke)
"From Centenary. At Center! ahhhh numba double zerooooooo-----RRRRobert Parish?!
(Climatic Puke)
"And the other forward, from ahhh Indiana State, ahhhh number thirty-threeeee Larrrrr-EEEE Bird!!!!!!!!!
...
"The trainer is Ray Melchiore, the assistant coaches Chris Ford and Jimmy Rodg----"
Oh. Sorry.
You still there?
Anyway, I guess the point I'm futily attempting to make is that odd things lie in the recesses of your brain. In most cases, they're something that mean something to you.
For better or worse, "the lineup" meant something to me.
And it will never be the same again.
RIP DJ.
You will be missed.
By SG2.0
So I'd say 72.3 percent of the reason I moved out to the West Coast in the first place was to finally be able to fulfill my lifelong dream of watching the Celtics battle the Lakers in Los Angeles.
Now I truly do expect quite a few shoulder shrugs here. I mean this once great rivalry is about as dead as Alan Thicke's career.
It hasn't truly mattered since about 1990 (un-coincidentally the year that I started watching the NBA) and has gotten so lackluster that a few "wiggers" in attendance at the TD BankNorth Garden last month, started chanting "MVP! ... MVP! ... MVP!" for Kobe Bryant of all people.
Yes Kobe Bryant. You know that guy that is the LAKERS best player. Not to mention he makes Jeff Gilooly and Joey Buttafuoco look like "Co-Husbands of the Year" by comparison.
Now I'm sure the "people" chanting those horrific words that ugly night in Boston were nothing more than 16-year-old posers from the 'burbs of Massachusetts that openly root for people like Shawne Merriman, Ray Lewis, Kobe, LeBron and Jeter because they enjoy how their jersey's look and they're quote, unquote "nasty dude!!!"
I like to call this type of behavior the "Penny Hardaway Effect."
And you know the types that suffer from this hideous disease.
They're the soul-less kids in your neighborhood that always think whoever's ass Stuart Scott kisses that night on SportsCenter will pan out into the next Michael Jordan.
They're also, ironically, the kids that like to cheer against the home team when they're down. Yup, those kids.
The type of kids that use their spare time to attempt to pick up girls outside (and in) Dunkin' Donuts and then think they're bad asses because they peel out of a 8,000 square foot parking lot with a grand total of 2 cars, 1 dog and a lamp post in it at 10:30 on a Friday night.
Ya THOSE kids.
But guess what. I DIDN'T have them on my mind while driving North on the So Cal 5 last Friday afternoon. That would have been a waste of everyone's time.
Unfortunately I was thinking about a different blow to the greatest franchise in NBA history.
"D.J." had died a day earlier and with him went yet another part of the Celtic mystique.
I was always taught that those Celtic teams of the 1980s were invincible. That they were immortal.
That '86 team in particular, was always engraved in my mind as to what a starting line-up should look like.
They were the measuring stick.
Chief at center.
McHale at power forward.
Bird at small forward.
Ainge at the two-guard.
D.J. at point.
Though I don't remember watching one game of that magical 1986 season live (I was four years old at the time); that line-up was, for better or worse, my bible.
During a drunken haze one night before Game 1 of the 2002 Eastern Conference Finals, my buddy Spring Chicken was witness to me hugging a toilet bowl at 2 in the morning and sadly explaining why I hadn't fallen in love with Paul Pierce, Antoine Walker and Kenny Anderson yet.
I told him ... well, slurred to him, in my best Anna Nicole impersonation, that the '86 team had a personality. That '86 team would have no trouble punching Bill Laimbeer in the face. That '86 team would have no trouble talking major trash with 2:00 left in a do-or-die Game 7.
They exuded a wonderful arrogance that will never be matched.
And I, unfairly, judged this "new breed" of Celtics against them.
It was then and there that I began feeding that friggin' porcelain bowl a lethal dose of buffalo chicken, bleu cheese and cheap tequila.
But it wasn't your ordinary post-party puke fest. No-No.
This one was special.
This one was a puke for the ages.
This one was for nostalgia purposes only.
This one was for "the line-up."
In between each upheaval, I would shout out, in a musical, rythmical tone, the names of each member.
"The line-up" never sounded so good.
In my best Celtics PA announcer voice (unfortunately the guy that is now the PA announcer at Boston College basketball games), I began:
"Annnnnnd Nowwwww, aahhhhh inter-o-du-sing ahhhh the Boston Celtics!
(Blood Curdling PUKE!)
"At ahhh guard from ahhh BYU, ahh num-ber forty-four ahhhhh Danny Ainge!"
(Quick puke followed by a woman-like, "excuse me" burp)
"The forward from ahhh Minnesota, ahh numba thirty-two ahhhh Kevin Mc-Halllllllle!
(Violent aftershock Puke. It stung the nostrils)
"At the other guard from ahhh Pepperdine, ahhh num-ber threeeeee, Den-NIS Johnson!
(Calming puke)
"From Centenary. At Center! ahhhh numba double zerooooooo-----RRRRobert Parish?!
(Climatic Puke)
"And the other forward, from ahhh Indiana State, ahhhh number thirty-threeeee Larrrrr-EEEE Bird!!!!!!!!!
...
"The trainer is Ray Melchiore, the assistant coaches Chris Ford and Jimmy Rodg----"
Oh. Sorry.
You still there?
Anyway, I guess the point I'm futily attempting to make is that odd things lie in the recesses of your brain. In most cases, they're something that mean something to you.
For better or worse, "the lineup" meant something to me.
And it will never be the same again.
RIP DJ.
You will be missed.
