Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Mailbag Part II
By SG2.0
Sorry 'bout the hold-up since Mailbag Part I. My original goal was to produce as much material on this site as Simmons typically does, all while working a 9 to 5 job. Unfortunately, somedays I'm about as motivated as Vin Baker on Day 3 at the Betty Ford Clinic.
Nonetheless, onto the mail!
Q: Given the deplorable state of the Celtics … who do you think Wyc and Danny will send to Secaucus to bring home the number one pick? Would you consider going to represent the Celtics in your “ripping-at-the-seams” shirt? What other lucky charms would you bring? How do you see this whole lottery situation playing out… I see the Celtics finally getting the number one pick and then neither Oden nor Durant comes out.
- Mike from Medford, MA
SG2.0: I'll go down the list. I think the C's should send either M.L. Carr (in a reverse psychology sort of way) or legendary 1980s Celtic trainer Ray Melchiore. Who else, other than the corpse of Red Auerbach himself, could reincarnate the magic of the Celtic dynasty?
It's got to be Melchiore, who would regulary give Kevin McHale and Greg Kite full-body rub-downs. I think it's safe to say he's paid the price and if you've seen the classic 1987 season in review tape, you fully know the power and sheer awkwardness of Melchiore.
The following is a transcript of a brilliant exchange between Melchiore and Danny Ainge in the C's trainer's room.
Melchiore: Danny likes it when I wear cowboy boots and a stand-up collar (awkward and frightened laugh).
Ainge (while eating an apple): See Ray here, he dresses like a cowboy, a preppie and a motor cycle rider (while awkwardly touching Melchiore's shoulder), so ... I'm not really sure what he is!
Camera zooms in on a frightened Melchiore, who just realizes Danny Ainge made fun of him on a tape that will be seen by roughly 81 people on the planet earth. He's shattered.
Melchiore: Um (awkward laugh followed by sigh). I enjoy it. Whatever it is.
ANNNNNND Scene.
Oh. As for the rest of your question. Some lucky charms could be a pair of freshly worn panties from the Red Head from Needham, a Walter McCarty CD, Jo Jo White's daughter, a line from the coat pocket of Len Bias, a Slim-Fast nutrition bar from the coat pocket of Larry Legend, bone chips from Kevin McHale's foot and/or knee and finally, a jock worn by "Jungle" Jim Luscotoff.
With all that said, I honestly see no scenario in which the Celtics get the No. 1 pick. I'm obviously being very pessimistic because I don't want to get my hopes up (which I have been known to do time and time again with this franchise).
Add in the fact that David Stern hates the Celtics (not giving financial relief to them when Reggie Lewis died etc.) and that Paul Pierce will probably play the rest of this season, there is little to no shot.
To add to my depression, I will now go watch my "Best of Ellen Kleghorn" DVD.
Q: As an avid WWE fan, how does it feel to live in a world where John Cena holds not one, but two belts?
- Vince in Stamford, CT
SG2.0: I would truly like to know how I would feel about Cena if he didn't grow up down the street from me. And this is not the reason you would think either.
I think I actually HATE Cena more because he's from my neck of the woods. That and because his brother once wrote me a $150 ticket for no apparent reason.
Small town politics I tell ya.
Q: Don't you think that your website is off to a bad start considering that you promised more material than the standard 2 article week by Simmons? You are currently averaging only 1.5 articles per week...
- Bill from Los Angeles, CA
SG2.0: Again, I have a 9 to 5 job unlike my nemisis from up North. Between making trading cards that feature NHL rookies and attempting to drop the 15 pounds that I put on while I was an actual sports writer, I tend to run out of time.
On a side note, someday I will devote an entire article devoted to fat sports writers and how it is literally impossible not to gain an ungodly amount of weight while employed by a newspaper.
When you sign on to become a member of the "print media," they may as well give you a 15 pound bag of pure cholesterol and get it over with.
Q: Break down the epic “Barkley vs. Bavetta” match-up for us… do you think that John Ameachi was turned on by the post-race kiss?
- Ernie from Atlanta
SG2.0: My thoughts on Barkley are well documented due to my awkward exchange with him one fateful morning in Phoenix, Arizona (I'll post the article from my old webite when I become 2.3% computer literate).
In summation, he's one of my favorite athletes of all-time and the main member of my favorite non-Celtics team of all-time (ladies and gentlemen the 1993 Phoenix Suns!).
So as one would expect, I was absolutely ecstatic when I first heard of Barkley v. Bavetta I. I think aside from the obvious humor of both participants falling down, the post-game, lip on lip kiss and Barkley's classic remark about the charity earnings worth only one hand of blackjack was whenever Bavetta would speak.
For years he was labeled "Nick Bavetta" for his many questionable calls that favored the Knicks and come-to-find out, he has a New York accent that would make Woody Allen green with envy!
This guy is one step away from co-hosting "Coffee Talk with Linda Richman."
"Hello welcome to Coffee Talk, I'm your host Dick Bavetta. On today's episode we'll discuss coffee, daughta's, dogs, Barbara and John Starks. Ya know, no big whoop.
Oh, nothing to talk about? Here I'll even give you a topic: Chuck Person was neither a woodchuck nor a person, discuss."
Q: What are your thoughts on Tom Brady's baby mama coming out with this information now? I smell a jealousy birth.
- Baxter from Milwaukee
SG2.0: Only a woman could tarnish Tom Terrific. It's such a shame because I'm sure for the first time in his life, Brady has no idea what to do.
The other day for him was like his typical autumn afternoons in Miami ... only 95.6 percent worse.
I mean in my humble opinion, Brady pulled off the ultimate "trade up" in the history of man. Not that Bridget Moynahan looks like Sandra Bernhardt or anything, but Gisele Bundchen! Come on!!!
We're not talking the same ****in' league, we're not even talkin' the same ****in' sport!
I'm sure Moynahan realized she looked like yesterday's news and, in turn, forgot to wash down those last few birth control pills.
In truth I'm not even that mad though. Next season if Brady needs any revenge pointers when he takes on Manning and the Colts, he can just ask his ex-girlfriend.
She has raised the bar to ungodly heights in the "revenge" category.
Q: What's with all the outrage with Brittany Spears shaving her head? Five years ago a guy like me couldn't even dream of gettin' with her. Now it seems like a lay-up even Charles Smith could hit. In fact, I think she might be even better looking now than she was two or three weeks ago. She reminds me of a cute Muppet. HOT with a capital HOT!
- Petey from Manchester, Conn.
SG2.0: Yup, these were his readers.
E-Mail all your Mailbag questions to: SportsGuy2.0@hotmail.com
By SG2.0
Sorry 'bout the hold-up since Mailbag Part I. My original goal was to produce as much material on this site as Simmons typically does, all while working a 9 to 5 job. Unfortunately, somedays I'm about as motivated as Vin Baker on Day 3 at the Betty Ford Clinic.
Nonetheless, onto the mail!
Q: Given the deplorable state of the Celtics … who do you think Wyc and Danny will send to Secaucus to bring home the number one pick? Would you consider going to represent the Celtics in your “ripping-at-the-seams” shirt? What other lucky charms would you bring? How do you see this whole lottery situation playing out… I see the Celtics finally getting the number one pick and then neither Oden nor Durant comes out.
- Mike from Medford, MA
SG2.0: I'll go down the list. I think the C's should send either M.L. Carr (in a reverse psychology sort of way) or legendary 1980s Celtic trainer Ray Melchiore. Who else, other than the corpse of Red Auerbach himself, could reincarnate the magic of the Celtic dynasty?
It's got to be Melchiore, who would regulary give Kevin McHale and Greg Kite full-body rub-downs. I think it's safe to say he's paid the price and if you've seen the classic 1987 season in review tape, you fully know the power and sheer awkwardness of Melchiore.
The following is a transcript of a brilliant exchange between Melchiore and Danny Ainge in the C's trainer's room.
Melchiore: Danny likes it when I wear cowboy boots and a stand-up collar (awkward and frightened laugh).
Ainge (while eating an apple): See Ray here, he dresses like a cowboy, a preppie and a motor cycle rider (while awkwardly touching Melchiore's shoulder), so ... I'm not really sure what he is!
Camera zooms in on a frightened Melchiore, who just realizes Danny Ainge made fun of him on a tape that will be seen by roughly 81 people on the planet earth. He's shattered.
Melchiore: Um (awkward laugh followed by sigh). I enjoy it. Whatever it is.
ANNNNNND Scene.
Oh. As for the rest of your question. Some lucky charms could be a pair of freshly worn panties from the Red Head from Needham, a Walter McCarty CD, Jo Jo White's daughter, a line from the coat pocket of Len Bias, a Slim-Fast nutrition bar from the coat pocket of Larry Legend, bone chips from Kevin McHale's foot and/or knee and finally, a jock worn by "Jungle" Jim Luscotoff.
With all that said, I honestly see no scenario in which the Celtics get the No. 1 pick. I'm obviously being very pessimistic because I don't want to get my hopes up (which I have been known to do time and time again with this franchise).
Add in the fact that David Stern hates the Celtics (not giving financial relief to them when Reggie Lewis died etc.) and that Paul Pierce will probably play the rest of this season, there is little to no shot.
To add to my depression, I will now go watch my "Best of Ellen Kleghorn" DVD.
Q: As an avid WWE fan, how does it feel to live in a world where John Cena holds not one, but two belts?
- Vince in Stamford, CT
SG2.0: I would truly like to know how I would feel about Cena if he didn't grow up down the street from me. And this is not the reason you would think either.
I think I actually HATE Cena more because he's from my neck of the woods. That and because his brother once wrote me a $150 ticket for no apparent reason.
Small town politics I tell ya.
Q: Don't you think that your website is off to a bad start considering that you promised more material than the standard 2 article week by Simmons? You are currently averaging only 1.5 articles per week...
- Bill from Los Angeles, CA
SG2.0: Again, I have a 9 to 5 job unlike my nemisis from up North. Between making trading cards that feature NHL rookies and attempting to drop the 15 pounds that I put on while I was an actual sports writer, I tend to run out of time.
On a side note, someday I will devote an entire article devoted to fat sports writers and how it is literally impossible not to gain an ungodly amount of weight while employed by a newspaper.
When you sign on to become a member of the "print media," they may as well give you a 15 pound bag of pure cholesterol and get it over with.
Q: Break down the epic “Barkley vs. Bavetta” match-up for us… do you think that John Ameachi was turned on by the post-race kiss?
- Ernie from Atlanta
SG2.0: My thoughts on Barkley are well documented due to my awkward exchange with him one fateful morning in Phoenix, Arizona (I'll post the article from my old webite when I become 2.3% computer literate).
In summation, he's one of my favorite athletes of all-time and the main member of my favorite non-Celtics team of all-time (ladies and gentlemen the 1993 Phoenix Suns!).
So as one would expect, I was absolutely ecstatic when I first heard of Barkley v. Bavetta I. I think aside from the obvious humor of both participants falling down, the post-game, lip on lip kiss and Barkley's classic remark about the charity earnings worth only one hand of blackjack was whenever Bavetta would speak.
For years he was labeled "Nick Bavetta" for his many questionable calls that favored the Knicks and come-to-find out, he has a New York accent that would make Woody Allen green with envy!
This guy is one step away from co-hosting "Coffee Talk with Linda Richman."
"Hello welcome to Coffee Talk, I'm your host Dick Bavetta. On today's episode we'll discuss coffee, daughta's, dogs, Barbara and John Starks. Ya know, no big whoop.
Oh, nothing to talk about? Here I'll even give you a topic: Chuck Person was neither a woodchuck nor a person, discuss."
Q: What are your thoughts on Tom Brady's baby mama coming out with this information now? I smell a jealousy birth.
- Baxter from Milwaukee
SG2.0: Only a woman could tarnish Tom Terrific. It's such a shame because I'm sure for the first time in his life, Brady has no idea what to do.
The other day for him was like his typical autumn afternoons in Miami ... only 95.6 percent worse.
I mean in my humble opinion, Brady pulled off the ultimate "trade up" in the history of man. Not that Bridget Moynahan looks like Sandra Bernhardt or anything, but Gisele Bundchen! Come on!!!
We're not talking the same ****in' league, we're not even talkin' the same ****in' sport!
I'm sure Moynahan realized she looked like yesterday's news and, in turn, forgot to wash down those last few birth control pills.
In truth I'm not even that mad though. Next season if Brady needs any revenge pointers when he takes on Manning and the Colts, he can just ask his ex-girlfriend.
She has raised the bar to ungodly heights in the "revenge" category.
Q: What's with all the outrage with Brittany Spears shaving her head? Five years ago a guy like me couldn't even dream of gettin' with her. Now it seems like a lay-up even Charles Smith could hit. In fact, I think she might be even better looking now than she was two or three weeks ago. She reminds me of a cute Muppet. HOT with a capital HOT!
- Petey from Manchester, Conn.
SG2.0: Yup, these were his readers.
E-Mail all your Mailbag questions to: SportsGuy2.0@hotmail.com
Labels: Sports Guy Mailbag
