Monday, April 09, 2007
The State of the WWF Address
By SG2.0
Yes another WrestleMania has come and gone without much pomp and/or circumstance.
Of course if "Pomp and Circumstance" (Macho Man Savage's theme song for the unfortunate and less-informed) did play at WM 23, the roof would've blown off of Ford Field.
I mean where were all the surprises?! This was WrestleMania wasn’t it?
Long gone are the days when Papa Shango would inexplicably interfere in a Sid/Hogan WM main event, leaving the entire world wondering why in the f*** that just happened.
And long gone are the days when the Ultimate Warrior’s cocaine-rush theme song would hit during the same match, followed by Jim Hellwig himself clotheslining Papa Shango “over the top rope and onto the floor” (thank you Howard Finkle) … leaving the entire world wondering why in the f*** that just happened.
Those types of moments just don’t happen anymore. And you can certainly forget about painfully ugly women actually crying in the audience like they did when Savage and Elizabet reunited at WM VII. We’re light-years past THAT!
I mean was there one moment that left you saying,"Wow, didn't see that one coming,” other than the improbable return of the "Dr. of Style" Slick (which certainly caught my attention)?
Of course, I’m sure the whole Slick thing was a one-time deal.
But would it really have been so hard for Vince to pick up the phone and call a certain household in Sarasota, Florida?
Calling Mr. Poffo.
Just forget Hogan slamming Andre for just one moment for Christ sake.
I mean we were at the 20th anniversary of the freakin’ match that defined wrestling as we know it. You know the one that changed this pseudo-sport forever, as I am obviously referencing the famed Savage-Steamboat classic from WM III in, of all places, Detroit, MI.
And, of course, where was WM 23, you ask?
Detroit!
And who was backstage, doing basically nothing, all night long? Ricky Steamboat!
Without question it had all the makings for one of the most memorable nights in the history of Vincent McMahon’s federation. But he simply dropped the ball.
I mean you could have even had The Undertaker attempt to resurrect the corpses of both Miss Elizabeth and the aforementioned Andre Renee Rousnoff for good measure.
But that would've just made too much sense.
Vinny Mac dropped the ball once again. And I can't say I'm the least bit surprised.
Going back to my age-old theory that Saturday Night Live, the NBA and the WWF (no, I still have not gotten over the whole name change thing) have five-year transition periods where they peak and valley, it would seem like the WWF is prepared to take a big step forward after basically blowing for the past six years or so.
But not so fast. With no competition driving them like it did from 1996-2001 (WCW), the WWF has become both stagnant and stale (is that redundant?).
And there are currently no signs (barring the notion that TNA could compete with them head-to-head on Monday Nights soon) that things are headed in the right direction.
My proposed five-year theory of unadulterated diarrhea followed by a wrestling utopia may have to be increased to seven years, eight years, or even (gulp), a decade.
Of course, when I one day land my dream job of becoming a full-time WWF announcer/writer, we won’t have to have said conversation.
So here is, in the briefest fashion I know possible, three simple ways for the WWF to be the ratings giant it was from 1987-1992 and 1996-2001.
3. Don’t be threatened by the past
Casual wrestling fans, a.k.a. half of the population of people that would tune in during the glory years, don’t know who Bobby Lashley, Chris Masters or even John Cena is.
They will, however, leave the channel on USA if they see Roddy Piper, Steve Austin, Goldust, Slick, Shawn Michaels, Bret Hart, Hulk Hogan or Ax and Smash from Demoliton.
Age is no matter is wrestling.
Now I’m not saying we need to go the ol’ WCW route and completely forget about all the young talent. That would be just silly. But I do believe the WWF should utilize old talent in almost every segment.
People enjoy nostalgia, which was why Hogan’s WWF comeback a few years ago went over so well.
That’s why I have thoroughly enjoyed Randy Orton over the past few years because he is always involved with a “legend” (although I believe this term is thrown around a bit too loosely these days. I mean Greg “The Hammer” Valentine gets inducted into the Hall of Fame before both Savage and the Ultimate Warrior?!
Ummmm ... did this Ric Flair wanna be ever win a belt of importantce? I think not!
Someone needs to see if the late Gorilla Monsoon has a son or something, if only so he can close every Hall of Fame induction ceremony with a proverbial: “WILL YOU STOP!” directed toward that completely idiotic Hall of Fame committee, or as their also known by…Vince, Stephanie and Hunter).
What would have been so wrong with Shawn Michaels winning the title from Cena at WM?
Win or lose, Cena’s still gonna have a strong fan base comprised of wiggers and 14-year old girls.
So they don’t need to worry about a loss in t-shirt sales (which apparently is all that Vinny Mac cares about these days).
2. Create some friggin storylines!
It’s hard to believe it’s been over five years since Mae Young gave birth to a hand and The Undertaker nailed Stephanie McMahon to a cross while attempting to marry/sodomize her.
I mean what makes the WWF so great in the first place, is that it’s f***in’ fake! You can have cheesy storylines and get away with it!
You can bend the rules of real life!
You can have wrestlers, female and male, get brainwashed, abducted and/or sodomized. That’s the beauty of this sport!
The closest thing they have to a good storyline right now is whether or not Shawn Michaels is going to super-kick John Cena's face off.
Please!
I mean where do they hire these writers from?! F***in’ Vince Russo University?!
I am completely sick and tired of watching Chris Masters occupy .2 seconds of television time, never mind an entire, drawn-out segment of him fumbling his words and strapping on a less-than-impressive full nelson that I'm pretty sure Bobby "The Brain" Heenan could escape from now! And he's currently border-line retarded!
I mean they utterly trash the Ultimate Warrior in the 2005 DVD classic “The Self Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior,” by basically stating that “he was one of those guys that drank a couple protein shakes and lifted a couple weights and then said, ‘Hey! I wanna be a wrestler!”
At least the guy had some charisma and was involved in a few good-great storylines.
I believe the night prior to WM 23, their three World champions were Bobby “Change the Channel” Lashley, Dave “Bathroom Break” Batista and John “I garner no mainstream attention” Cena.
All three of those guys wouldn’t sniff a WWF ring if they didn’t look like the spawn of an unholy marriage between Lou Ferrigno and Tony Little (although don’t tell that to “The Genius,” he might get jealous).
In the case of great WWF champions, size really doesn’t and shouldn’t matter. I mean you’re not going to strap the WWF title on Gilberg all of the sudden. But, on the other hand, it shouldn’t be a prerequisite that a WWF champion must make Barry Bonds look like Craig Grebeck.
1. Immediately hire Teddy Hart, The Shockmaster, Goldust, Cody Rhodes, Sean Cena and Gorilla Monsoon’s son (if he has one)
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree in all of their cases. God forbid the WWF incorporate some semblance of charisma into their product.
So with all that said, I feel like I finally have a huge load off my chest (wow, that sounds extremely gay).
Until next time.
And remember, in the words of the late Bad News Brown: “The only good news, is bad news.”
Do you have a mailbag question or reply for Sports Guy 2.0? E-Mail him at: SportsGuy2.0@hotmail.com
By SG2.0
Yes another WrestleMania has come and gone without much pomp and/or circumstance.
Of course if "Pomp and Circumstance" (Macho Man Savage's theme song for the unfortunate and less-informed) did play at WM 23, the roof would've blown off of Ford Field.
I mean where were all the surprises?! This was WrestleMania wasn’t it?
Long gone are the days when Papa Shango would inexplicably interfere in a Sid/Hogan WM main event, leaving the entire world wondering why in the f*** that just happened.
And long gone are the days when the Ultimate Warrior’s cocaine-rush theme song would hit during the same match, followed by Jim Hellwig himself clotheslining Papa Shango “over the top rope and onto the floor” (thank you Howard Finkle) … leaving the entire world wondering why in the f*** that just happened.
Those types of moments just don’t happen anymore. And you can certainly forget about painfully ugly women actually crying in the audience like they did when Savage and Elizabet reunited at WM VII. We’re light-years past THAT!
I mean was there one moment that left you saying,"Wow, didn't see that one coming,” other than the improbable return of the "Dr. of Style" Slick (which certainly caught my attention)?
Of course, I’m sure the whole Slick thing was a one-time deal.
But would it really have been so hard for Vince to pick up the phone and call a certain household in Sarasota, Florida?
Calling Mr. Poffo.
Just forget Hogan slamming Andre for just one moment for Christ sake.
I mean we were at the 20th anniversary of the freakin’ match that defined wrestling as we know it. You know the one that changed this pseudo-sport forever, as I am obviously referencing the famed Savage-Steamboat classic from WM III in, of all places, Detroit, MI.
And, of course, where was WM 23, you ask?
Detroit!
And who was backstage, doing basically nothing, all night long? Ricky Steamboat!
Without question it had all the makings for one of the most memorable nights in the history of Vincent McMahon’s federation. But he simply dropped the ball.
I mean you could have even had The Undertaker attempt to resurrect the corpses of both Miss Elizabeth and the aforementioned Andre Renee Rousnoff for good measure.
But that would've just made too much sense.
Vinny Mac dropped the ball once again. And I can't say I'm the least bit surprised.
Going back to my age-old theory that Saturday Night Live, the NBA and the WWF (no, I still have not gotten over the whole name change thing) have five-year transition periods where they peak and valley, it would seem like the WWF is prepared to take a big step forward after basically blowing for the past six years or so.
But not so fast. With no competition driving them like it did from 1996-2001 (WCW), the WWF has become both stagnant and stale (is that redundant?).
And there are currently no signs (barring the notion that TNA could compete with them head-to-head on Monday Nights soon) that things are headed in the right direction.
My proposed five-year theory of unadulterated diarrhea followed by a wrestling utopia may have to be increased to seven years, eight years, or even (gulp), a decade.
Of course, when I one day land my dream job of becoming a full-time WWF announcer/writer, we won’t have to have said conversation.
So here is, in the briefest fashion I know possible, three simple ways for the WWF to be the ratings giant it was from 1987-1992 and 1996-2001.
3. Don’t be threatened by the past
Casual wrestling fans, a.k.a. half of the population of people that would tune in during the glory years, don’t know who Bobby Lashley, Chris Masters or even John Cena is.
They will, however, leave the channel on USA if they see Roddy Piper, Steve Austin, Goldust, Slick, Shawn Michaels, Bret Hart, Hulk Hogan or Ax and Smash from Demoliton.
Age is no matter is wrestling.
Now I’m not saying we need to go the ol’ WCW route and completely forget about all the young talent. That would be just silly. But I do believe the WWF should utilize old talent in almost every segment.
People enjoy nostalgia, which was why Hogan’s WWF comeback a few years ago went over so well.
That’s why I have thoroughly enjoyed Randy Orton over the past few years because he is always involved with a “legend” (although I believe this term is thrown around a bit too loosely these days. I mean Greg “The Hammer” Valentine gets inducted into the Hall of Fame before both Savage and the Ultimate Warrior?!
Ummmm ... did this Ric Flair wanna be ever win a belt of importantce? I think not!
Someone needs to see if the late Gorilla Monsoon has a son or something, if only so he can close every Hall of Fame induction ceremony with a proverbial: “WILL YOU STOP!” directed toward that completely idiotic Hall of Fame committee, or as their also known by…Vince, Stephanie and Hunter).
What would have been so wrong with Shawn Michaels winning the title from Cena at WM?
Win or lose, Cena’s still gonna have a strong fan base comprised of wiggers and 14-year old girls.
So they don’t need to worry about a loss in t-shirt sales (which apparently is all that Vinny Mac cares about these days).
2. Create some friggin storylines!
It’s hard to believe it’s been over five years since Mae Young gave birth to a hand and The Undertaker nailed Stephanie McMahon to a cross while attempting to marry/sodomize her.
I mean what makes the WWF so great in the first place, is that it’s f***in’ fake! You can have cheesy storylines and get away with it!
You can bend the rules of real life!
You can have wrestlers, female and male, get brainwashed, abducted and/or sodomized. That’s the beauty of this sport!
The closest thing they have to a good storyline right now is whether or not Shawn Michaels is going to super-kick John Cena's face off.
Please!
I mean where do they hire these writers from?! F***in’ Vince Russo University?!
I am completely sick and tired of watching Chris Masters occupy .2 seconds of television time, never mind an entire, drawn-out segment of him fumbling his words and strapping on a less-than-impressive full nelson that I'm pretty sure Bobby "The Brain" Heenan could escape from now! And he's currently border-line retarded!
I mean they utterly trash the Ultimate Warrior in the 2005 DVD classic “The Self Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior,” by basically stating that “he was one of those guys that drank a couple protein shakes and lifted a couple weights and then said, ‘Hey! I wanna be a wrestler!”
At least the guy had some charisma and was involved in a few good-great storylines.
I believe the night prior to WM 23, their three World champions were Bobby “Change the Channel” Lashley, Dave “Bathroom Break” Batista and John “I garner no mainstream attention” Cena.
All three of those guys wouldn’t sniff a WWF ring if they didn’t look like the spawn of an unholy marriage between Lou Ferrigno and Tony Little (although don’t tell that to “The Genius,” he might get jealous).
In the case of great WWF champions, size really doesn’t and shouldn’t matter. I mean you’re not going to strap the WWF title on Gilberg all of the sudden. But, on the other hand, it shouldn’t be a prerequisite that a WWF champion must make Barry Bonds look like Craig Grebeck.
1. Immediately hire Teddy Hart, The Shockmaster, Goldust, Cody Rhodes, Sean Cena and Gorilla Monsoon’s son (if he has one)
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree in all of their cases. God forbid the WWF incorporate some semblance of charisma into their product.
So with all that said, I feel like I finally have a huge load off my chest (wow, that sounds extremely gay).
Until next time.
And remember, in the words of the late Bad News Brown: “The only good news, is bad news.”
Do you have a mailbag question or reply for Sports Guy 2.0? E-Mail him at: SportsGuy2.0@hotmail.com
Labels: State of WWF
